Raggedy-Ass Bastard

I am a raggedy-ass motherfucker.

Had to visit the dentist yesterday because a crown popped off. Had to visit him today because the crown popped off again last night.

Sitting in the chair noticing the stains and wrinkles and cat hair on my pants. Two days, two different pairs of pants.

I just don't give a shit.

I am fat and repulsive so I just don't care what I look like.

I used to care. A lot. I used to luxuriate in fine clothes. Had to have them, had to wear them. Thankfully my brother has carried on the tradition. He dresses well and looks sharp. One fine looking Testa, one frumpy looking Testa.

I got New Hampshire-ized. When I moved here I got lazy because we live in the fucking woods and there is never anything to get dressed for. So laziness dictated fashion choices.

Then I got fat.

I am fat now and take great satisfaction in blaming it on hormone therapy, but truthfully, I have been fat for a long time. I was diagnosed with melanoma in 2016, had to get checked out every six months after that, and now annually. After every checkup I get pissed off and determined to lose weight so as not to embarass myself again. Never happens.

It goes back farther than that. I have probably had a gut more than not for the last 20 years (maybe longer).

Whiskey is not a low calorie drink.

But lately the sloppiness has taken on a broken kind of feel. Even though I don't really care, I am sometimes amazed at how I dress to leave the house. I am supposed to look pretty on nights when I work shows. That used to be a cue to show off. Now I put on any fucking thing I put my hands on, even if it is wrinkled and dirty. Which it usually is. And I just don't fucking care.

I could put on a nice suit, but then I would just be a fat man in a nice suit. I wrote a poem many years ago titled Fat Man In A Tie that was hilarious and truthful. Wish I could find it, you would love it.

One of my secret goals is to get back to a place where I can wear a fine suit and feel proud. Maybe hang out with my brother.

But I gotta lose a couple of hundred pounds first.

Could be a while.