50th High School Reunion

Last night was my fiftieth high school reunion.

I wasn't there. How could I be? I have nothing to recommend me.

First of all, I am not a reunion kind of guy. I see no reason to go out of my way to hang with a hell of a lot of people who mean nothing to me. If I am going to see my real friends I would rather do it in a private way.

However, if I was a reunion kind of guy, I would still not attend.

I recently had a conversation with my brother Ed. About the reunion. There was a guy in my class, Nelson, who is actually a closer friend to my brother than he is to me. My brother asked Nelson if he was going to attend. He said no because he felt like a loser. Ed was sarcastic about this from the point of view that that was not a good reason.

I would never attend a class reunion, because I feel like a loser. The first girl I dated owns her own company, a very large company, and is a raging success. My closest friend in the world is a millionaire.

What am I gonna say? "Yeah, I am 68 years old and I cannot afford to retire." Sounds a tad pathetic, don't you think? Because it is.

The vast majority of my friends are retired. I imagine a vast majority of my high school class is retired. The others, I'm sure, represent a wide swath of humanity - some successful, some not so much - but I am simply not interested in parading my failure in front of them. I have a hard enough time dealing with it myself.

And it would be inevitable. After we got past the family thing - wife, kids etc. - the inevitable next question would be "So what are you doing?"

"I am semi-retired and have been working low paying, menial jobs since 2016. My ego is bruised and bleeding and I don't see a way out."

Response: "Oh."

Reunions are strange animals. Two of my close friends wrestled with the decision about whether to go or not. Up to and beyond the RSVP date. They both decided to go. Had to get special dispensation because they blew off the RSVP date.

If they thought it would be a deeply meaningful experience, if they thought it would be a rip snorting good time, they would not have hesitated. But they did.

Because there is a lot of superficial shit connected with reunions. Lingering resentments (even after 50 years), petty jealousies, artificial affability, false braggadocio. I remember after a previous reunion my friend Phil told me, sarcastically, he was amazed at how many of our classmates owned their own businesses.

There is also the "captives at the zoo" aspect. People want to get a look at each other, see how people have aged, see who looks affluent and who looks impoverished. 

I mean, think about it. 50 years ago you shared rather immature relationships with these people. But everybody has an image of everybody else, formed over the course of those four years. 50 years later you want to know how they did at life; you want to break out the scorecard and rate everybody, especially and most importantly, as it compares to what you have done with your own life.

You want to see if your 50 year-old impressions proved to be accurate. You get satisfaction out of confirming that the ones you expected to fail actually did fail.

If I ever do go to a reunion, I want to strut in as a conquering hero.

Perhaps the 75th.