A New Business Model

And the ping pong continues.

On non-work days I am a pussycat, a model citizen. On work days I am a psycho hose beast. One imaginary provocation away from tossing my laptop against the wall, or using it to club a ticket buyer over the head. Especially when I work a show. Like last night.

I walk into the theatre with shields up. I stalk my way in. I strut. Body language daring any unsuspecting fool to irritate me in any way, small or large.

Behind the scenes, I bitch, I complain, I am an ornery motherfucker. When the curtain comes down on the box office window and I am forced to deal with customers, I project an air of menace.

I ask "Can I help you?" but in a tone that says you better not fuck with me. And if they are stupid enough to fuck with me, I spit poison. I cannot believe no one has filed a complaint.

Last night I did the "can I help you thing" and the woman at the window recoiled and said sarcastically "Well that was awfully loud!" I don't even remember what I said because at that point I am white hot and everything becomes a blur, but I do know my tone of voice was nasty. Apparently I made my point because she shut the hell up, bought her precious ticket and walked the fuck away.

There is glass between me and the customer. We communicate through a two way amplification system. Sometimes you get that screechy feedback noise. Can't be helped. It fucking happens.

BUT, every time, every fucking time, the idiot customer will make a face like somebody stabbed them in the eye with an ice pick and say something stupid, implying that it is my fault. That's my favorite situation. I have about 5 different heavily sarcastic comments that I make, all of which are very enjoyable for me.

There is a movie titled From Dusk To Dawn. Bizarre movie, very bizarre movie, but it stars George Clooney, believe it or not. From 1996.

Cheech Marin, from Cheech and Chong, plays a bartender in a sleazy, Mexican bar. Behind him, over his head, is a neon sign that says "The customer is always wrong."

I am in agreement with that philosophy.

I am creating a new business model for customer service.

I don't know if it is sustainable, but it sure is fun.