The Rubicon Looms

Have I crossed the Rubicon?

In 2022 I have become enormously fat. My knee ain't right. I have no energy. I get out of breath from wiping my ass. 

My head tells me I can get past this. When I have to, I can go on a psycho diet and raging exercise routine and lose weight. Get healthy again. Get my breath back. Rustle up some energy. At least in the past.

But what about now? How many men my age are fat and out of shape? All of them. Can every single one of them be lazy, or is it just a thing that happens - a fact of life? Is it possible that I will never get "it" back? That I cannot lose the weight? That I will never again feel healthy?

Is this the fucking beginning of the end? 

Something to consider: My brother, who is 67, recently told me that he gained 10 pounds. That is stunning. He couldn't believe it himself. He is disciplined in his diet, disciplined in his exercise routine. He is in excellent health; he comes across like a 45 year old man.

He tried to exercise it off, diet it off - and he couldn't do it. He ended up going through the Noom program - and it still took him 2 months to lose 10 pounds.

I am fucked. I want to lose 25 to 30 pounds before Craig & Amanda's wedding, so people won't point to me and say to Craig - "Is that fat man over there your Dad?" To which he will reply - "No fucking way. Unfortunately, my Dad couldn't make it today."

If I lose 10 pounds, it will be a miracle.

But health is the point. Aging. I am not aging well all of a sudden, and if I don't find an answer I will never age well.

You have to fight back against death. Being fat, being weak, shortness of breath, fatigue - these are all invitations for the Grim Reaper to visit earlier than he had planned.

Fuck the Grim Reaper. I don't want him around.

But I am nervous. I hate the way I feel, hate the way I look. This fucking 2,000 degree heat wave has chopped the knees out from under my exercise program for now. Air conditioning was invented in 1902. 120 years later, Carol and I have no air conditioning. Apparently, we are not decisive.

Once the heat breaks, I am going to ramp up the exercise program exponentially. I am going to give it my best shot.

But that voice in my head is skeptical. Am I too old? Is this a delusional quest?

Have I crossed the Rubicon?

I pray that I have not, because what awaits on the other side is not pretty.