Friday, October 21, 2011

The Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World of The Booze Emporium

Rules of Etiquette and General Observations from working at The Booze Emporium.
Generally when working the register I try to be friendly, upbeat and sometimes funny if I detect a sense of humor. This is not easy; you get hundreds of people every day saying the same things and making the same jokes. I am also well informed about weather conditions.  But this is the public and you do the best you can.
If I ask "How are you?" and get no response it's time to get mean. Would you totally ignore someone who is being politely inquisitive? I stop talking; don't say another word. Even to the point of handing them their receipt wordlessly, arm extended in silence. I have noticed that many times these people will say thank you, apparently to break the awkwardness. I feel I have taught them a valuable life lesson.
There are those who just say "Fine" and don't inquire as to my own well being. Are you serious? It's a basic societal contract - I ask about you, you ask about me. I get cold with these people, strictly business. No humor, no sensitivity. Take your precious booze and get on with your selfish life. Had I the resources I would hand out copies of Norman Vincent Peale's "How To Win Friends and Influence People".
There are people who get loud, apparently in an attempt to show that they are in control of the situation, their life and the world. "I'M FINE HOW ARE YOU?" I find myself trying to out-loud them initially then I just get quiet. No sense trying to communicate with someone buried under that many levels of self delusion.
There are people who are painfully shy. I try to be exceptionally considerate towards them. They need me as a friend.
There are socially awkward people, people who are difficult to communicate with. Their words interrupt mine, mine interrupt theirs. They have no sense of timing. These people throw me off because I am all about rhythm. Initiate the conversation, process the transaction, end the conversation, on to the next booze hound. I try to move them along quickly; I am a professional and cannot allow myself to be thrown off my game.
There are people who criticize my choice of box, or worse still choose their own boxes (always inappropriate) and even worse, try to help me bag. They misunderstand the dynamic. I am the professional, they are the amateur. I don't tell them how to fill out their TPS reports, they shouldn't interfere with my smoothness. I'll indulge them up to a point, but when bags are flapping and bottles are stranded I am forced to take control.
Change counters. These people drive me out of my mind. The total is $19.98. "I think I have the change." These words strike fear into my heart. They count out 98 cents, and most of the time they have only dimes, nickles and pennies - NEVER QUARTERS. Is it that important to get rid of your goddamn change? Have a heart; throw it in a jug when you get home and give me crisp bills instead.
Change hoarders. These people pay you entirely in change. This should be embarrassing for them but they seem to enjoy it. Eight dollars in quarters and a combination of dimes, nickles and pennies to settle a $11.34 bill. When they leave, my cash register drawer is groaning under the weight, and I WILL HAVE TO RECOUNT ALL THAT CHANGE AT THE END OF THE NIGHT WHEN I AM TIRED AND WHISKEY THIRSTY. These people should be executed; no excuses, no mercy.
I had a guy come up to me one day and ask me if the large wine bottles used to be 1.75 liters, because he felt the bottles now were smaller and costing him more money. I patiently explained that booze comes in the 1.75 liter size, wine comes in the 1.5 liter size. He looked me in the eye and told me I was wrong. Simple rule - don't ask me the question if you don't want to hear the answer. The only place wine comes in 1.75 liter size bottles is the land of Brobdingnag.
Some people come to the register with fifteen nips (I don't know who they think they are fooling) and they lay them down. Please note - most nips are cylindrical in shape - THEY ROLL AROUND. Use some intelligence, show some consideration - stand the damn things up.
I have 315 more observations but I see you yawning. Have a great day and be kind to your Booze Emporium clerk. After all, he or she is the doctor with the antidote to what ails you, no?

No comments:

Post a Comment