Yesterday I wrote a compelling account of getting royally screwed by corporate scum. It was factual and only somewhat emotional.
Today I am going to let my emotions rip.
2012 has sucked since before it began. It began to suck on December 24, 2011 and has not stopped. 2012 has sucked for 36 days. I don't understand it.
My life was the size of a pencil tip previously. Now, thanks to Sears/Citicorp, it is half that size. I wouldn't believe that to be possible.
I have never understood "life". I don't get it and I don't know how to operate within the rules as they have been laid out since the beginning of mankind. I don't believe in those rules. This whole going to work, earning tiny paychecks, barely paying your bills, affording pizza twice a year, suffering, sacrificing and struggling your way to the grave thing. This cannot be life, can it? What would be the point?
If there is an afterlife, a god, why would he want you to suffer through an earthly existence before being rewarded? Isn't that a perverse game for a god to play?
And if there is no god, the equation becomes even more bizarre. We evolved ourselves into existence. We evolved ourselves to this? This is the best we can do?
I go through life wide eyed looking at the lives of the people around me, like watching a movie, as opposed to experiencing reality. Small, constricted, pain and worry filled existences that defy logic. I see the same thing in the mirror.
Karma could be cool. I would take comfort in knowing that the soul-less scum who put the guideline into place that robbed me of a tiny measure of financial security was diagnosed with the most horrible, painful disease ever imagined. That would be karma. But karma is a slippery concept. You want to believe it is all about the bad getting their due. I believe it operates on another level as well. I believe I have created my own karma through a lifetime of underachieving. A karma of failure.
I struggled mightily in 2011 to buck that trend. Felt I was doing all the right things. I was in a rare place of confidence and determination. I believed I could CHANGE MY LIFE and make good things happen.
Karma took notice, reared it's ugly head and struck back. Struck me down with great vengeance and furious anger.
I am now farther behind financially and emotionally than I was when I started the quest.
Essentially there is no hope. Except for one thing.
Where there is a will there is a way. Apparently will is a muscle. You have to flex it, exercise it, use it to make it function, to make it stronger. I never had will before. Somehow will crept into my existence last year. Unbeknownst to me. It was a by product of TRYING.
I am furious right now. Beat down like a rodeo clown, cut and bleeding, bruised and disoriented, wondering how much more of this I can take. But I want to fight. With my fists, with a gun, a machete, with sarcasm and anger and determination. I want to kill, crush and destroy.
$ is my new GOD. I am committing myself to the worship and pursuit of $. Money is everything. Without it, you get castrated by credit card companies. Without it you have absolutely no power. No juice. Forget about spiritual fulfillment, forget about happiness. I cannot be fulfilled when I know my life is at the mercy of every goddamn piece of shit that controls a piece of my life.
My employer, finance companies, the Mortgage Vampire, they all own a piece of me and that does not leave enough behind for me to enjoy. I am pursuing a full time job in the world of booze because of the money. I am amping up my attempts at selling words for the money.
In one sense money is the root of all evil. The power brokers who have it will do anything to keep it and to keep you from getting more of it. They are immoral, petty, sleazy, soul-less and they are proud of it. They don't care if you die. They want you to die.
The lack of money is also the root of all evil. Without it you are made small, forced to live a lifeless life. That is as evil as it gets.
I have will now. Gonna whip that sucker up into a frenzy. May not get me anywhere, may not get me anything, but leaving a trail of corpses behind me, a river of blood, an infinity of pain inflicted, an ocean of tears and bewilderment, yeah baby, that has got to feel good.
Stay out of my fucking way. I got no patience for your mindless opposition.
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