What Have I Become

I heard Johnny Cash singing Hurt on the radio yesterday. Who the hell ever could have predicted that Johnny Cash would cover a Nine Inch Nails song? Talk about cross pollination. But when you listen to the words you realize it made perfect sense for Cash to record it. And it aches the way he sings it. Delicious.
What have I become? That is one of the lines in the song and it hit me hard. As long as you are alive, you are becoming.
I was born on January 1, 1954. On that day, I was a fresh new life with nothing but potential ahead of me. Unwritten, free to become, raw material with hope and promise. And a pointed head.
Then my parents got a hold of me. I do not fault them. They were the children of immigrants who had a rough upbringing and worshipped the value of education, hard work, money and practicality. My father was a great success against staggering odds and I respect him for that. But they forgot to factor in the truth of my personality. I think you have to recognize your child's nature and go with it; adapt your approach to allow them to breathe. Iron clad rules do not work. I think I remember stories that I was naturally left handed, but that I was "discouraged" from continuing in that way by my grandfather and parents. My memories are vague. But if that is truth I'm pretty sure it could screw me up. Anyway I do know that my personality was not in line with my parents' idea of who Joe Testa was, and they did not adapt their approach.
In school I was always uncomfortable. Didn't fit in with any of the stereotypical crowds. I got into music but even that got skewed. Loved music but ended up in the high school band, which will warp you for life. A friend once asked me to read with him for a drama project and I loved it. Didn't pursue it. Could have been Al Pacino.
Discovered alcohol and drugs at fifteen and that is the point where I pretty much stopped becoming. Somehow drifted into Northeastern University studying ACCOUNTING?????????????????? and stuck with it even though I hated it. I was originally enrolled as a Liberal Arts major studying psychology, something I could have loved. Switched to accounting, don't really know why.
For the next three decades the only thing that kept me alive was my family. I think if it wasn't for them, I would have stopped becoming permanently, like many people do. Jaded, cold, cynical; this is the way many people live their lives. What a supreme waste. But my family gave me life and love and laughter and apparently that kept the ember alive in my soul.
I do think I was becoming in a negative way though; slowly building and burning anger, a sense of hopelessness, disappointment, bewilderment.
2011 rolled around and somehow that ember got fanned. I became hopeful, I tried. I thought, plotted and planned. It's like bizarre horror movies where you see something crawling around underneath someone's skin. That's how I feel. Something is ripping to get out.
What have I become?
A strange mix of everything I just described. A tiny bit of fresh born potential, anger, disappointment, pain, misdirection, laughter and love, and hope. I am so far away from January 1, 1954, it might as well be January 7, 2305.
I am still becoming. That's what counts.
It's what keeps me going, baby and I aim to nourish this thing for as long as it will accept nourishment.