Growing Up (Growing Old)

We start out growing up and end up growing old.

We start out wondering if she will dance with us, grace us with a kiss; and end up wondering if we will ever be able to retire, wondering what awaits beyond the grave.

It happens quickly. Too quickly for the mind to absorb. The mind remains young as the body betrays.

A lot of what happens in between is a crap shoot.

I met my magic wife because I attended Northeastern University and made the mistake of majoring in accounting. The first work-study assignment was at the company where Carol worked.

Accounting was misery for me and a mistake as an academic concentration and later as a career. However, had I chosen writing or psychology or anything else more suited to my soul, I would not have met Carol and would not have Keith and Craig and Emily and Karen in my life.

My life would be darker for that. I wouldn't make that trade for anything. Not for anything.

A crap shoot.

My aunt called me to wish me a happy fifty ninth birthday. Couldn't believe that I am fifty nine. She cannot believe that she is 82. Her mind tells her differently.

Somewhere along the arc of my mother's too short and health challenged life, she told me the same thing. I don't remember which birthday it was, but she told me she couldn't believe it. That in her mind she was twenty one.

When people getting to know me ask me questions about my life, there is always the inevitable question about kids, and then how old are they. My cutesy answer, practiced hundreds of times, is that "they are 32 and 29, which makes no sense to me because I feel like I am 32 or 29."

Those words are honest and there is a touch of fear there.

There is so much chance in our lives that you have to wonder if you have any control. But you at least have to act like you have control or you will lose your mind.

The best you can hope for is to learn. Keep learning. Learn from your mistakes so you don't keep hurting yourself.

Sounds basic but we humans are masochistic. And often trapped in cycles or learned responses born of stubbornness.

Learning has to occur on a higher level too. Learning about life. How things work. Figuring out how to negotiate your time on this planet to make your life as much your own as is possible.

A lot harder to do today than ever. Choices are minimal and they are harsh. The people who have their hands on the reins of your life are more callous and less caring than any human has a right to be.

Then again, I could be completely wrong. There are those who see endless opportunity in limited choices. Learning to sing for the sake of the song.

Growing up. Growing old.

There is a lot of chance in between. There is also some choice about when the growing old begins, even an ability to never grow old in the minds of certain magical, mystical people.