Thursday, April 4, 2013

An Honest Assessment

This could be a world record day for putting words to paper.

I haven't had time to write and I have so many ideas, opinions and observations backed up in my mind that my head is tilted sideways.

I have decided to start with a dose of reality and try to avoid sliding into whining.

I am almost 6 weeks into the new job. I now have first hand experience on how beef feels as it is being run through the meat grinder to become hamburger. Today is a rare day off and my guts are still churning.

There is a lot to learn about what needs to be done and when and how, including administrative crap I didn't deal with before. There is a different rhythm to this store that I still haven't got a handle on. All of that comes with any new job and can be dealt with through experience, studying, asking questions and paying attention.

I have no problem with that. I am intelligent enough and committed enough to get where I need to be. It is frustrating to not have all the answers right now but I know I will in time.

On top of that, and exponentially magnifying the frustration intensity factor, are the people I have to work with. I have seen neuroses, psychoses and immaturity played out daily since I started. Now mind you, my mind is diseased but I still function, I still get the job done in life, then go home and beat myself up mercilessly.

These people do not get the job done. They allow their personal insanity to interfere with how the staff works together and how the store runs. The atmosphere is ultra negative, morale sucks and chaos is king.

The situation is damn near unmanageable.

As a result, the store is on the hot seat, smack dab in the middle of the liquor commission radar screen. In a company wide E-mail, the store was used as the most negative example of how not to run a store. We were not specifically mentioned, but told after the fact by those in the know.

In addition, the liquor commission sometimes sneaks in under cover of the night and audits inventory. We were rated third worst in the state. Out of 77 stores.

I have not genuinely laughed once since I started. I realized that yesterday when my friend Eric called and got me laughing. It hit me like a bolt of lightening how good it felt. It hit me like a bolt of lightening that I have not felt that in almost six weeks.

I have felt nothing but stress, tension, and pressure. It is eating me up. Good thing hamburger is so easy to chow.

So here is where I am at. At war with myself once again. I am no stranger to this territory but I am a stranger to this level of intensity.

I know that if I remain the man that I currently am, this job will destroy me. I will either get fired or just physically and mentally disintegrate.

If I am to win this war, I have to change. Fast. Now.

If I pull this off I have no idea what kind of man will emerge from the fire. I don't know if the changes will make me hate myself or make me stronger. I don't know if I want the changes I have to make.

Carol keeps telling me to be myself and it will all work out. She is right about that but I have never had a clear vision of who I am. As a result this pressure is throwing light into the gaps and the shadows and weaknesses, the empty spots that make up part of me, just fiercely illuminating them, callously jabbing them like sticking a finger into an open wound. If I could capture my true spirit, the vision that I occasionally glimpse in moments of lucidity, Carol's prophesy would come true.

This is of my own making. Every decision I have made in life has led me here. From a financial standpoint it makes sense. I won't give up on it because of that.

But ultimately it won't make any difference when I am dead whether I am buried in a solid gold casket or a pine box.

This is all pretty heavy in my mind. Time is running out on me. I won't get many more chances. Maybe none.

And of course I recognize this job only as a means to an end. There's that whole other freeing my soul thing I yearn to accomplish.

Life truly is a precious thing and a delicate balancing act. I don't think I have ever gotten it right.

But I keep trying.

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