Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Fixin' To Die

Read a thing in the paper titled "Boomers push doctor-assisted dying."

This is where we are now. This is where my generation is.

Born with a fierce spirit of rebellion and an acute understanding of the truth, with the guts to shine a spotlight on all that is wrong with this society, the boomers fought hard for a long time for an endless list of worthy causes. We were defeated handily many times and have even seen progress reversed recently in mind numbing fashion. There were victories as well, but none substantial enough to turn back the tide of greed, corruption and control that defines our lives now, even to the smallest detail.

I am a baby boomer. Born between 1946 and 1964.

This article got me thinking about the arc of my life. In reality it is more like the flatline of my life.

The inspiration and the glory was there as a kid. The shockwave offering an alternative reality.

But I sold out. Christ, I was an accountant for over 20 years; you can't sell out the values of a rebellious generation any more than that.

Most of us sold out. That's the way life works. Society guides you with cattle prods into accepted paths to follow. Those who rebel, those with a high threshold of pain, end up lost, broke and alone.

My personal torture has been the dichotomy between mind and life. My mind, weak and diseased as it is, has never lost the spark, the belief that we were right, and had we somehow stuck to our guns the world would be a far different and fascinating place.

The truth is that money and power will always win and they expand their control every day.

A bitter pill to swallow.

There is a voice in my head that never stops asking me what the hell I am doing. "What is up with this job? What are you doing with your life? If the life you lead causes you pain in contrast to what you believe, then why aren't you doing anything about it?"

I am still struggling to resolve that, but I am 59 now and my comrades in arms are thinking about physician-assisted dying. Fighting for it, no doubt, as is the reputation for this generation.

Reading those words increased the intensity of the resolve to make my life my own. I have been in overdrive recently anyway due to an alarming wake up call known as a new job. The realization that this amazing generation is now fighting on the final frontier makes the clock ticking in my ear deafening.

Truthfully I would have been more at ease had the headline said "Boomers negotiating with God to authorize reincarnation." Had that been the case, I would have immediately E-mailed God asking that I be reincarnated as one of my cats.

My life has been off the mark since the day I went to college. I have been uncomfortable with it every day since that day. As always, I have to issue a disclaimer lest I hurt my family. My personal life is rich with beauty and love and honesty; I honestly believe I am surrounded with a family that is magnificent and a family that brings me happiness whether I am with them or just thinking about them.

But my other life, the worldly life, the working life, the professional life, has been an enormous disappointment for me and a source of great pain. As I write those words it occurs to me that it takes a high threshold of pain to survive living within the narrow roles defined as acceptable within society if you have a functioning brain. Pain to rebel, pain to adapt.

I am not ready to die, physician-assisted or not. I know in my heart and in my soul that I am better than the life I have led. I can still do something with my life, even considering the severely shortened time frame remaining.

I have been identified as a baby boomer all my life, but there have been no outward signs that I lived and breathed in rebellion.

I will be damned if physician-assisted dying is the first one.

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