Continuously Amazed

I am continuously amazed at unexpected things that inspire me. They come along quietly and expand to a meaningful roar in my head. These are the things that I need. I need passion, I need inspiration.

I pick up The Billy Bob Tapes, A Cave Full Of Ghosts, looking to be entertained. Written by Billy Bob Thornton I figured it would hold my interest and make me laugh.

Instead, most of it connected with my gut. Resonated with who I am and what I think. Every time I picked the book up, I was filled and thrilled with anticipation. I just finished it and I feel a let down.

He is one of the founding members of a rock group called The Boxmasters. Every chapter is prefaced with original song lyrics. All of the lyrics blew me away. The songs are written by Billy Bob and his partner in crime, J.D. Andrew. If I ever get a chance to see The Boxmasters, I will.

Billy Bob got into my head years ago by claiming he is the world's greatest Allman Brothers fan. I am a fanatic and I know stuff about The Allman Brothers other people could care less about, but I bet Billy Bob could out-Allman Brother me. Reading the book made it obvious that he really digs into stuff he loves. And..........he has met, hung out with, and lists among his friends, members of the band. Including Greg.

Anyway, what started out as an expectation of light entertainment, ended up being an honest gut check for me. He said so many things that I think but never say. I am too damn nice. I don't want to be nice anymore. I want to be honest.

Why not? I am 59 years old. I have lived a life, I have earned my stripes and I got one hell of a lot to say. I don't say  a lot of what I think because I let people be and I don't want to come across as a crotchety old man. But seeing my opinions expressed in his words made me see the meaningfulness of them, the weight, the truth.

He talked about the movies he has made, many of which I didn't even know existed. I will watch them.

He went out of his way to explain the circumstances of and to thank the people in his life who helped him out and inspired him. People without which he admits he wouldn't be where he is today. Some who randomly came into his life and recognized his talent and passion and gave him guidance.

If I don't make a living as a writer I will have wasted my life. But I have been trying to do it alone. There are four avenues I can pursue - right now - that would give me a fighting chance of getting started. Four avenues that have been in my head that I have not pursued.

It is a huge weakness of mine to never ask for help. Or to be easily dissuaded. What a fool. Reading this book opened my eyes to how much can be accomplished with the right contacts, the right advice and inspiration. I believe these things came into Billy Bob's life because he attracted them. He was struggling, trying to make it as an actor and a screen writer, and the right people came into his life at the right time to nudge him in the right direction. His talent was the magnet and his talent put it all over the top.

I have talent. And the right people have come into my life. I have just not made the effort or somehow my brain was not functioning alertly enough to see the life line.

Quote: "The magic in life is disappearing, and we've got to get it back." Billy Bob was talking about how technology is changing our relationship with music, movies and each other, really affecting how we live our lives in general. How people watch movies on their goddamn phones instead of going to the movies. How there is no soul in that. How the good of computer technology has been outweighed by the bad.

I whole heartedly agree. I am all about magic, spirituality, essence. Everything about where our society is headed is taking us in the opposite direction.

I was in the right place to read this book. The crucible I am in right now is forcing me to take a real hard look at myself. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what adjustments I make, I can not deal with my current job for an extended period of time. The whole structure of the thing is so foreign to who I am and what I believe that dealing with it on a daily basis rips chunks out of my soul.

I also know that my only genuine option is to write. That is what I was put on this planet to do. I have known this for half my life but I have not known it as severely as I know it now.

It really is as simple as that. It really is that black and white.

After 59 years, my entire life has been boiled down to this: 1) Ride this job out long enough to ease our financial burden 2) Find a way to earn a living with my words.

That is all there is.

If I do not pursue Option #2 with ever fiber of my being and with complete belief, I am the world's biggest fool.

Inspiration is an ethereal thing. Perspective is subject to objective and subjective influences and the trick is to separate the two.

Billy Bob Thornton just gave me a real kick in the ass.

Where the hell did that come from?


Lyrics from Dead End Drive (The Boxmasters):

"Some of us are broken from the very start
And we don't know how to fix ourselves
It seems, like me, you've been torn apart
There's a lot of us on the shelves
It's easy to escape through an open door
But the jail inside won't die
Feelin' claustrophobic and waitin' for
The exhale of a sigh"