I am at a point where the most immediate solution is controlled recklessness.
I am crushed down, bewildered, beaten, battered and disoriented. And it just keeps getting worse.
Millions "live" by the credo - "just suck it up." New Reader does and is happy to preach.
That is a philosophy that permanently compromises your life. You run around pretending that you are tough, that you are dealing with life's harshness.
What you are really doing is allowing your time to be stolen by somebody else. Playing their game. Accepting the fact that this is just the way it is.
That is supreme bullshit.
I am the first to admit (now) that my life is what it is because of me. I have been the architect of my own doom. Consistently. Plodding along down a path that is surreal to me and, even though everything around me is psychedelic and disoriented, contorted into weird shapes and sounds, I just keep on plodding down that same path.
The past eight months have taken the suffering I have allowed to be my life and ramped it up to insane proportions. It's like some cruel life form has its finger on the button and just keeps pushing that button over and over again.
Laughing all the while.
This life form even has the capacity to increase the intensity and the rate of the suffering, which it also does gleefully.
I catch glimpses of this monster.
The monster is me.
I have been backed into a corner. It is my impression that I have never been backed into a corner so tight before. Every fiber of my being tells me that something has got to give.
In relative terms it is hard to really know if this is the worst. I have experienced what I considered to be the worst many times.
But this time feels different. Much different.
I am sitting on a powder keg.
I know it, I feel it, I fear it.
Controlled recklessness translates into an immediate solution, but one that does not jeopardize survival. The exit has to be a quick one but one that at the very least makes financial sense.
This is not a time to play the game. To apply, to interview, to listen to lies and to tell lies.
No time for that.
Lurking in a dark corner is pure recklessness.
It is sitting there pulsing like a slowly beating heart, making its presence known but not advertising too loudly.
Ultimately at a certain point in your life, the point where you know the end is much closer than you want to admit, the point at which you are aware that you have been unfulfilled since bursting upon the scene at birth, ultimately at that point dynamite takes on an air of conservatism.
Throw a couple of sticks in there and see what happens.
These are just words at the moment. Actually they are thoughts translated into words, which makes them a little more dangerous.
As I think, swords continue to pierce my skin.
This makes it difficult to concentrate, but it is a hell of a motivator.