The First Day

The first day of the new year.

The first day of the rest of my life.

I am feeling it today. Deeply. Emotionally.

In the first half hour that I was up and about this morning, as Carol slept and our cats greeted me lovingly, tears welled up in my eyes three or four times.

I am always introspective on New Year's Day. I think everybody should be.

"The unexamined life is not worth living." Socrates.

Day One is the perfect day to take an honest look into the mirror. If you can stand up to the reflection you are doing well.

If not, something's gotta change.

Double whammy for me. Day One is also my birthday. Adds another layer of depth to the introspection.

Especially now.

Last year floored me when I turned sixty. I was shaken. I mouthed all kinds of resolve.

And the year blew by.

The older you get the faster times goes by. Such a cliché. One that I never really bought into.

Definitely felt like my life was moving too fast, but there was a sense of traction. It never felt out of control.

2014 put an end to that. I simply cannot believe I am sitting here on January 1, 2015. Last year was a blur. It went by so fast I am not sure I ever saw it.

That frightens me.

I have no sense of having lived 2014. I am disoriented.

I may not have lived 2014, but I felt it.

Three untimely deaths in 2014. All of them offspring survived by parents.

The worst scenario possible.

My cousin lost her daughter after a life long battle with disease. My wife lost her brother after a long battle with cancer. My brother lost his son after a protracted battle with heroin.

I will not forget 2014.

Carol and I are New Year's Eve warriors. We refuse to go to bed until we usher in the new year.

Many people my age go to bed early. I hear this all the time. Just another day.

Bullshit. You need magic in your life. Sometimes it happens naturally. Sometimes you make it happen.

I got home late from work. We watched two episodes of "Rescue Me", on demand. A show we used to watch religiously and really enjoyed. We tuned into The Stooges marathon and caught two episodes. Really got lucky there because one of them was the "B A Bay" episode. We ate Chinese food.

At midnight we toasted 2015 with a bottle of champagne given to us by Scott Towle, a close friend of my son Craig and a good friend to this family.

That made the night more meaningful because it suggested the circles of influence we all create, unknowingly, much like George Baily in "It's A Wonderful Life."

When Sarge and then Jonathan passed away, one of the things that struck me was the ripples of pain that spread throughout so many lives. So many lives.

If you take a step back, you realize how many lives they touched. You realize just how much happiness two people can bring to the world.

I was thinking about that as we sipped Scott's champagne. The champagne he went out of his way to drop off with us on Christmas Day.

My son's friend. So many people in our lives that we touch and who touch us. We are not really aware of the magnitude of it.

Or of the precious nature of it.

Three family members left this world in 2014 who I will never see again. Never talk to again. Never hope for, never laugh with, never worry about, never enjoy the company of.

They left a lot of people behind.

We should honor their memory by taking note of the people we have in our lives. By really paying attention, by appreciating them, by giving them our love and by warming in their love.

Feeling kind of fragile today. Introspective.

Feeling kind of lucky too.