The Sadness

The sadness was different than any that had come before.

This was a different animal. It had a physical aspect to it, or at least felt that way.

It was tangible, it had weight and it would leave its mark.

Forever.

He knew this intuitively.

It followed him in every direction, physical and emotional, no matter what he was doing or however distracted. It lurked in the background when other matters dominated his attention.

Through the dark, smiles and laughter bubbled up, but even that felt different. Still, it was important.

He knew he had to pick up his life and live it again, although it felt like a betrayal to do so.

Some of it happened naturally; some of it through a force of will.

Still, at quiet moments, the sadness welled up like a tidal wave. A quiet, invisible tidal wave that forced tears from his eyes and detachment from his soul.

It was powerful enough to overcome distracted moments as well. Times when his mind was otherwise engaged and seemingly free of the weight.

Even then he could be overwhelmed; suddenly; surprised. Knocked back from where he was to where he did not want to be. Forced to recognize that which he wished never occurred.

Wished with all his heart and all of his soul.

His mind was working it all over. Trying to make room, to find a place for the emotion. Recognizing that it would never end, never go away, attempting to settle it in a corner where it would exist on its own.

Not to be ignored, but to live independently in a way that would allow everything else that must happen to happen. To be reflected upon when the mood was right or as life's emotional turbulence dictated.

But this piece did not fit. It never would. It was forged through sudden and intense pain and loss, it was its own memory, its own emotion, it was outside his previous experience and it stood defiant against attempts to categorize it.

He had been changed and he would continue to change in response to the sadness that lived inside of him.

It had weight and would leave its mark.