There was a heavy presence of absence during our vacation.
It was our first trip up there that we did not see Sarge and Kevin. The first vacation since they died.
Magic and loss. The very definition of life.
The magic of getting away, the beauty of being able to spend some of your vacation with family and good friends.
The loss of knowing you will never spend time with Sarge and Kevin in that setting, or any other setting, again.
It was a heavy feeling, a sobering presence that provided some balance of reality to the euphoria of escaping the mundane.
I need to find a way to move on.
Kevin's death hit Jeff hard.
Craig recently had a facebook conversation with Jeff in which Jeff said that as much as it hurts him, as much as he misses Kevin, he realizes he has only one life to live and he needs to find a way to move on.
I can dig.
I am still a victim to the involuntary reaction when I think about Jonathan, Kevin or Sarge. I shake my head suddenly or merely utter the word F--K!
I think about them a lot.
A brief, more pleasant aside: I also experience a positive involuntary reaction when I think about my sons.
When I think about Keith's new job and his brand new car, I smile. It just happens. Every time.
When I think about Craig's new condo, his first real home, I smile. It just happens. Every time.
That is a precious and a delicate balance.
Still the deaths of Kevin, Jonathan and Sarge weigh heavy on me and occupy my mind, my time and my energy.
I need to put them in some sort of perspective.
As far as Old Orchard Beach goes that was impossible. It was as if they were standing there, being with us in silence and in love.
Magic and loss.
I am grateful that Carol and I still have plenty of magic to smooth out our life together.