Saturday, June 4, 2016

Retirement Reflections #1

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life.

Today is too but yesterday was more meaningful. Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my new life.

My new life. 

June 3, 2016.

What a gift. What a magical, mystical moment in this wild ride that has been my life.

I never thought I would get here. At the age of fifteen, I could have described to you the life I would never live. I vividly remember thinking about it with distaste.

Then I went ahead and lived it, much to my horror and dismay. On the personal side of the ledger it could not have been better. My family is a supreme source of contentment, pride and happiness for me. But professionally and lifestyle-wise my life has been exquisite torture because I never believed in the life I was living.

So boring, so predictable, so soul-sucking.

I am a fiercely creative person who was forced to be practical.


Part of the problem was my own laziness and lack of inspiration in taking the initiative to make changes, to make my life my own. Part of it was responsibility - raising a family, paying a mortgage.

Doesn't matter - it ain't nuthin' but history now.

I sit here on June 4, 2016 in awe and humility. Absolutely overwhelmed by the truth that I have been given another chance. The moment feels spiritual to me, delicate and beautiful.

Another chance. I have had other chances in my life and blown them. Absolutely pissed them away.

Not this time. No fucking way.

I am back to square one armed with all of my life's experiences and a crystal clear awareness of all the mistakes I have made and the weaknesses in my own character.

I am aware of my strengths as well, which is a luxury I have never allowed myself before. I have never had a high opinion of myself, but I am coming around.

Life has knocked me down and slapped me around and generously delivered me to this moment with the implied challenge: "What are you gonna do now?"

For now I am still in awe.

This is Day Two - I cannot count the number of times the words "Oh my God" have entered my thoughts. When I think about where I am at and who I am now it is just mind blowing. It is also a little funny because I have literally blurted out loud the words "Oh my God" a lot when I have been alone. The reality wells up from inside me and I cannot contain my amazement.

We are celebrating too. I am not so in awe that I cannot enjoy the moment.

Carol and I went out to dinner on Thursday night - my last day of work. We sat on the deck overlooking the river at Daniels Restaurant. I listened to the wind and the birds and the river flowing, I dug the beautiful surroundings. I talked to and appreciated this beautiful woman who is the most significant human being in my life.

We cracked a bottle of champagne last night. Tonight we are going to Carabbas - our favorite restaurant - with Jason and Karen, two very special friends.

I cannot wait to see Keith and Emily and Craig and Karen because they are so much a part of my happiness.

And my brother Ed, who I have always looked up to even though I am the old fart.

I refuse to end this in some cutesy way. Just know that I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Amazing. Absolutely fucking amazing.

No comments:

Post a Comment