Alone

I have spent many tortured hours alone since 2017.

Friday of Labor Day weekend 2017 - Carol's mastectomy. They told me it would take 3 hours. It took 5 and 1/2.

November 2, 2017 - Carol's brain surgery. 7 and 1/2 hours.

February 2020 - Carol's facial surgery. 20 hours over two days. 

Now I am facing radiation therapy alone.

For the record - it would be ridiculous for Carol to accompany me to the zappings. I don't expect her to, I don't want her to. The actual procedure takes 15 minutes.

For the record - Keith and Craig and Amanda drove to Boston to visit Carol and me during the facial surgery. I was grateful for that. We were grateful for that.

Truthfully, I didn't mind being alone for those hard hours. 33 all told. In fact I prefer it. And I don't mind making 44 trips alone to the hospital to get zapped.

My point is that it is hard. All of it.

Hard on the mind. And the heart. And the soul.

I read, ate and slept during Carol's surgeries. Thinking was the hard part. Thinking and worrying.

I had plenty of time to think.

I will be alone with my thoughts, coming and going, for 44 days. I imagine there will be some dark moments.

I will stick to the plan I outlined months ago - U2 on the radio - LOUD - for the drives. Hopefully I will be inspired enough to sing. I usually am. If so, my soul will have a fighting chance.

My mind is stronger and more positive than it was during Carol's tortures, and I handled her moments pretty well. Or well enough.

Plenty of tears, though.

If my thoughts get dark enough, I imagine there will be some tears during these rides.

That's OK.

Tears are honest.