The Chickens Have Come Home To Roost

Carol will be retiring at the end of June. I will not.

Lest you be judgemental let me explain: This was my decision. I made the decision. 

We have been telling people for months now that we would be retiring in June. This was based on an analysis of our anticipated retirement income and a close look at our typical expenses. Plus we recently re-financed the house and paid off a bunch of bills and lowered the mortgage payment as well.

I was never really an accountant but I have always been good with numbers. I was uneasy when we made this decision - I was unconvinced that we could pull this off but I wanted to pull it off, so I let it be.

Rattling my brain was the decision I made in 2016 to "retire" and begin collecting social security. Bad decision. I forfeited a healthy chunk of change in monthly ss payments by retiring "early". But I was desperate to exit the workforce and I also wasn't really high on committing suicide.

Of course all I have done since then is work menial part time jobs that rip my soul apart, in addition to forfeiting a chunk of change. Brilliant, yes?

One morning last week Carol nervously told me she was worried about the decision for us to retire. So I dug into the numbers.

Of course when I put aside delusion, I discovered what I already knew -  we cannot afford for both of us to retire.

I vomited and thought it over. If I retire, Carol has to work five days a week. If she retires I only work 2 and 1/2 days a week. Painful as this is for me, it makes more sense for her to retire.

I am trapped like a rat, as The Three Stooges used to say. Trapped by my own stupidity, bad decsions, indecision and laziness.

Life is a nasty thing. No wonder eternal peace is so popular on gravestones. You cannot just dance your way through life and expect it to end well. Life lies in wait and pounces just when you are most vulnerable.

You gotta plan ahead, you gotta fight back, you gotta kick life in the balls. You are not allowed to just coast.

I should have earned a lot more money in my lifetime. I had the potential to earn a lot more money but I squandered that potential because I never took life seriously. The life I was living was never my own so I made a joke out of it. 

As Harry Hogge said in Days of Thunder "You're a victim of your own goddamn creation." That's me. A victim of my own goddamn creation.

So here I am. The final torture. This is my punishment. This is what happens when you live a life that is untrue to who you are. You half-ass it.

This will not go well. I despise my fucking job. I despise not being able to retire. I am not a guy who can accept working until I die. I am a guy whose job will kill him.

The house is the ultimate way out. We have to get this albatross off from around our necks. This house has tortured me since 2001 when it should have been paid off. I'd rather burn it than sell it but there could be consequences to that. Then again, what is worse - relocating to a prison cell or working when I should be retired? Seems like a toss up.

Fucked at every turn.

All I want is to be left alone. To live a quiet life of the mind never having to come in contact with another human being ever again. Is that too much to ask?