Zap Clarification

Previously, I said the "zapping has become routine."

To clarify - I meant mechanically. Psychologically is a whole different thing.

I walk through the process like the trained robot that I am. I guess the hospital needs it that way. I imagine consistency reduces patient anxiety.

Same thing every single time. Same time slot every day.

I believe my appointment is the last one of the day. 4:15. 

At first I thought I had made a mistake - scheduling was a joint decision between me and the hospital. I could have set up an earlier appointment and screwed work out of more of my time.

But, every time I show up I am the only person in the waiting room. I like that. No human interaction.

When I leave, even the receptionist is gone.

This past Friday, as I visited the men's room on the way out (always the first stop after the zapping), the people who had tended to me were laughing and talking in the hallway. Friday night, baby.

Although my first thought was "Yeah, go ahead and laugh - you are not the one with prostate cancer."

A selfish, unnecessary thought - I quickly re-routed my thought process to appreciating their perspective.

The thing is, with this schedule, I have quiet time to think, as well as the drive to and fro. There is usually a 10 or 15 minute wait (I get there 10 minutes early) or so between the time I check in and the time they come to fetch me.

Time to ponder the weirdness of the situation.

A short time ago I was a humble human making my way through life. Now I have an intimate relationship with an Image Guided Radiation machine that delivers external beam radiation to my evil prostate.

Pretty cool, huh?

Google the machine. Have a look. Nice clean lines.

Encouraging stats to ponder: "Men with localised prostate cancer who are treated with external beam radiation therapy have a cure rate of 95.5% for intermediate-risk prostate cancer and 91.3% for high-risk prostate cancer (me). The five year survival rate using this treatment is 98.8% overall."

So I have nothing to worry about. Right?

I am being sarcastic, but truth be told I am getting somewhat more comfortable with this situation. The odds are very much in my favor. And I am doing everything I can to help myself.

The side effects could be the scariest part. I "wait and see" after every session. Discomforting.

Had a weird reaction last Thursday morning that left me unsettled. After only two radiation sessions. 5:45 am - a specific body function took control of me - I had to deal with it immediately. I did so. It commandeered me again 10 minutes later with the same urgency.

Only this time I broke out in a serious sweat - sweat was literally dripping off my forehead and my shirt was soaked in about 2 minutes.

I got the weird sensation that I am no longer in control of my body. That my body is reacting to what is being done to it, and it will react in whatever way it wants to whenever it wants to.

It happened again last night - at 3:30 am. Minus the sweat, but still........................

For Christ sake, if my body is going to rebel it would be nice if it kept reasonable hours.

I am dealing with this. I am adapting to a new reality. My thought process is evolving and anxiety is lessening.

The weight loss thing is pissing me off, though. I lost 10 pounds. I have been at that weight now for 4 weeks. Nothing has changed - still dieting, still exercising - even exercising a little more. But I am stuck.

I weigh myself every Tuesday. If my weight remains the same on this coming Tuesday I am going to jump out the fucking window.

There is a message here. This is a tough deal. No easy answers.

Fortunately I am in a fighting mood.

I refuse to give up on myself.