Walk On (and more)

I have adopted Walk On by U2 as my personal cancer anthem. 

The lyrics resonate with me. They give me strength and inspiration.

"and if your glass heart should crack and for a second you turn back, oh no be strong"

"and I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much.......walk on"

It is obvious why those lyrics connect with me right now so I won't belabor the point. Let me just say they tap deeply into what I am feeling and bring my emotions up to the surface and into my eyes.

But...........

"what you got they can't steal it, no, they can't even feel it" and.......

"what you've got they can't deny it, can't sell it or buy it.........walk on"

These lyrics bring out the confidence I've been feeling and feeding lately and encourage me to use that confidence as a weapon against what cancer wants to do to my mind. They encourage me to tap into what is uniquely me to help me face this shit boldly. I am up for that.

I have had 4 radiation sessions. I heard Walk On all 4 days. That is a lucky streak that can't continue but I know the song will rear it's beautiful head whenever I need it the most. 

I heard it on my way into the very first session - how fucking amazing is that? And on my way home Friday night. We have a magical relationship, me and that song - it is holy to me.

I am considering making Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own by U2 the companion cancer piece. 

Because that is what I am doing. Trying to make it on my own. It is my nature to approach things that way.

I am not talking to anyone about this who hasn't been hipped to it. I am choosing to deal with this emotionally in the most bare bones way that I can.

Sometimes that leaves me feeling empty. And alone.

A little more talk might be beneficial but I really don't know what I would say. This is a deeply personal and deeply emotional thing - anybody I talk to would have to have a fucking Phd in empathy. 

Superficiality would fuel my Italian temper to nuclear levels.

I feel a little shaky today. I think I know why.

My closest friend Phil is up from Florida temporarily and we are going to dinner tonight. It will be spectacular.

But first......................................I gotta get zapped.

That dichotomy disturbs me.

But what I have can't be stolen, felt or understood by anybody else. It can't be denied, bought or sold.

I will power my way through the radiation experience, then fly on the wings of an eagle towards an evening of honest, heartfelt conversation spiced with genuine laughter.