I am riffing today.
Off the cuff. Not that I don't have a lot to write about.
My mind has been moving faster miles an hour since the very beginning of 2021. For every post I publish in here I lose five others. I can't write fast enough to keep up with what my mind is seeing.
I have notes on scraps of paper, ideas I have saved in this blog, stuff saved on my phone and ideas in a notebook next to the recliner.
This is always a good sign for me. It means I am alive. Not paralyzed in depression. Not hopelessly lost. I am thinking, creating, crafting. My mind is wide open. Accepting inspiration like radio waves to an antenna.
I feel so alive when this happens to me. I feel my essence palpably, instead of through a blanket of negative interference.
Stats - Posts published by year:
2020 - 153; 2019 - 112; 2018 - 137; 2017 - 157; 2016 - 270. Going back from 2016 to 2012 I published many more posts than 270/year.
2017 was the year Carol began her hellish nightmare of health torture. That is when my brain shut down.
In 2021 I have already published 102 posts. I am back, baby.
And I like my writing right now. The style has changed a bit and I like it more.
Bits & Pieces:
1) I got a handle on this cancer thing. The words high risk cancer knocked me off balance. I was rebounding from that when I started radiation, which is a bizarre reality. I now know the cure rate and 5 year survival rate are very high.
So fuck it. I will not waste my time in fear. BUT my perspective has been sharpened. Covid sharpened it, cancer took it even higher. Got me a different outlook on life.
2) Weight - when last we spoke I gained 3 pounds. Since then I lost those pounds plus 2 more. I did not give up. I doubled down. I used my anger as a weapon and fought back hard. I am relentless. Like the honey badger.
3) Retirement - This is a tough one. My brain recoiled in horror at this reality and it has remained in a corner of my skull ever since. Apparently I will spend more time beating myself up before I finally get around to dealing with it. But deal with it I will.
4) Time has become a tangible thing to me. I can feel it. I can hold it in my hands. My mind has become a clock relentlessly ticking off the days. I will not go gentle into that good night, baby.
5) Self-control - Last Friday at work I stepped a bit over the line. I essentially have three bosses. Fucking ridiculous, but there you have it. I was minutes away from lunch, I had a miserable morning and a customer walked in. I needed help dealing with him. All three of the bosses were together shooting the shit. I walked up and rudely interrupted their conversation, just cut right in, telling them what I needed. I knew if I politely stood and waited for them to acknowledge me, they would have played the game. I ain't having it.
I got the look from all three.
So now, today, I am standing on the precipice of 2 and 1/2 days of fucking torturous hell. Again. Armed with the knowledge that I cannot retire.
I am dangerous. Locked and loaded. A grenade with the pin pulled.
Ain't gonna be no ass kissing anytime soon, kids.
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