"She Used To Be Mine"

There is an amazing song titled She Used To Be Mine. Written by Sara Bareilles, performed with mind blowing intensity by Shoshana Bean.

The song is about a woman who is talking about herself - the real person she used to be and the one that currently exists - warped and detoured by life.

She talks about her real self as if she has been permanently lost - "she is gone but she used to be mine." 

Such an awful feeling but so true for so many of us. The person we were, overwhelmed by life, or the person we thought we'd be who never appeared. This is what disconnection is all about, this is why we feel so lonely no matter who we are surrounded by, who we are loved by.

Hollowed out shells that we fill with alcohol and anger and drugs and despair.

She describes her old self, who turns out to be a human being. Vulnerably imperfect, messing up, fooling herself, lying to others, broken, lonely - all of these things "baked in a beautiful pie."

She describes a better side of her previous self - a fighter who is "reckless just enough", who gets hurt but toughens up, who is ultimately inspired to "fight just a little", with fire in her eyes "that's been gone but it used to be mine."

The lyrics haunt me because she knows who she once was with absolute clarity, but it sounds like she feels she can never get her back.

So painful.

I do the song a grave disservice by dissecting it this way. Check out the lyrics, find the song online and listen to it.

Then smash all the mirrors in your house.