The Verdict Is In

Torn meniscus, baby.

Got the news yesterday.

The MRI on my right knee revealed a torn meniscus. It also revealed a piece of the meniscus that has broken off and is floating around my knee.

I thought a meniscus was some sort of tendon. It is not; the meniscus is cartilage.

Surgery looms. They slice a couple of openings around the knee, shove a camera in there to see exactly what is going on, remove the floating cartilage, repair the damaged cartilage.

Apparently I will be on crutches for a short while, so it is best to wait until spring for the surgery.

I have been unable to exercise since mid-January because of the pain and discomfort. If you remember, I said in December that the two biggest failures I carried into 2022 were not finding a therapist and not losing weight. Imagine my despair at not being able to exercise. I have been in a black mood for a while now.

If I have surgery in April I will have gone 2 and 1/2 months without exercising.

Not exercising while dealing with hormone therapy is a disastrous combination. I am so fat now that if I had a medical emergency at home, they would have to cut a hole in the roof and lift me out with a crane.

I am uncomfortably fat. It is a disgusting feeling.  I     fucking     hate     it.

I have to do something between now and the surgery. Take action. Dietary action. Like Christian Bales preparing for his role in "The Machinist". He lost 56 pounds in four months by living on a diet of black coffee, one apple, and one tin of tuna a day. Less than 200 calories a day.

According to health experts "an extreme diet like this will play havoc with your metabolism and cause a lot of stress on the body."

Well trust me, becoming a fat fuck causes a lot of stress on the body - and the mind - too. The irony of the whole thing is that being fat puts more stress on my knees and causes more pain. A vicious circle. No exercise, more fat, more damage to the knee. Jesus fucking Christ.

I am psycho enough that I could do the Bales diet. Except for the threat to my health. Bales has said he would never do something like that again because it is so damaging to the body.

But I am going to have to do something. Another month of weight gain and I will become completely immobile. 

I love peas. I could eat a small can of peas for lunch and another for supper. Small bowl of grapenuts for breakfast. I am just riffing here but whatever I do will have to be drastic and healthy. I'll figure something out.

There has always been a direct connection for me between exercise and state of mind. When I start the day with exercise, I feel good about myself and I am more productive and in a better mood. When I don't exercise I get depressed. The whole day feels like a loss.

I have been feeling dark for 90% of 2022. Not exactly what I had in mind as I barreled into the new year.

I have been hanging on by a thread in my head. This non-exercise/fat guy thing affects everything; I feel empty, unhealthy, unhappy, unmotivated, undisciplined, embarrassed. I just don't give a fuck.

I require magic in March.

I have talked about grit in here. If ever there was a time for grit it is now.

I thought I had 2022 sussed. Thought I was perched on the precipice of success.

Now this.

What's a guy gotta do to catch a break?

P.S. - I haven't found a therapist yet either. Fuck me.