A Fucking Burlap Sack

It's fucking Tuesday already?

February 14, 2023? Panic is welling up inside me. Happy Valentines Day.

I feel like five cats imprisoned in a burlap sack fighting to get out. Fighting each other. Fighting for freedom. Fighting to survive. You see the bag skittering across the floor, paws slapping and scraping against the sides, loud meowing, crying, wailing. Those fucking cats want out of there - badly and immediately.

I want out of my life. Badly and immediately.

What a trap. What a joke, my life is. In January I tricked myself into believing I was doing something because I lost weight and made exercise a regularity. So fucking what? What good does it do to be healthy (in my imagination) when my life is killing me?

You know how in the Westerns, the bad guys drag the good guy behind a horse, bumping torn, shredded, and bleeding in the dirt?

That's me going to work. I climb into my beast of a Hyundai and the fucking car just takes me there against my will. I scream throughout the ride. Remember Janis Joplin's iconic scream in Piece of My Heart? Imagine that happening for 30 straight minutes.

Any time traffic forces me to stop, the people who pull up next to me start to scream too. It is surreal.

But the pain is real.

I am so wound up in 2023 that I have zero patience. My life is exactly as it was in 2022. This is a nightmare of suffocating proportions. Jesus fucking Christ.

I said I have to create an explosion in February. That explosion might be my body. The pressure is intense. I envision bits of my body splattered all over the walls in mute submission.

Mute submission to this joke of a life I have slowly and craftily created. The ultimate torture chamber.

My mind. That knows what my reality could have been, but never was. Because of my own laziness and stupidity.

I so want to quit my job, quit my fucking life, park my ass on a barstool and drink. I like to drink. Why shouldn't I enjoy myself?

But I won't. I have committed to slugging it out this year, and slugging it out is what I shall do.