Not So Brilliant, Generally

Springsteen has a song called Brilliant Disguise.

Some lyrics:

"So tell me who I see when I look in your eyes, is that you, baby, or just a brilliant disguise?"

                                                                         and

"So when you look at me you better look hard and look twice, is that me, baby, or just a brilliant disguise?"

Of course the rest of the lyrics are great, they tell a story of relationships and trust and doubt and all the fragile, unpredictable shit we create for each other. But when you come right down to it, we all struggle to come up with a brilliant disguise. Of course the saddest are the ones between man and woman. But the shit we all do to get through a day is not a lot of fun either.

Most people suck at it; you can see right through the lies that most people are living. Others are accomplished at fakery; with them you have no clue who you are really dealing with. Me personally - I am fucking brilliant at it.

Had a dental appointment at 7:30 this morning - a true joy, of course, and the best way I can possibly think of to start off a new day. All the predictable phony conversation, and I slipped right into my act - the performance I have put on 687,333 times in my life. I'm surprised I don't puke as I speak - the words are so foreign to who I truly am.

"Where do you work?" "I work at CCA, a great job, a great place." I want to slit my wrists every time I go to work. Yet I am smooth and sincere-sounding when I spew the lies.

Dealt with a new dentist who felt that over the top enthusiasm was a great way to break the ice. Wrong. Her disguise was not brilliant.

As I sat in the torture chair I heard laughter. Co-workers reporting for duty, pretending to be in good moods, blowing out unfunny, forced humor to their peers. Their peers breathing back the same phony cheer. It's possible I don't hate anything worse than that. Except cucumbers. 

Employees pretending happiness to patients, patients spoon-feeding the same bullshit right back to them.

And I wondered to myself "How much genuine laughter exists in the world?"

Laughter may be the most common attempt at brilliant disguise.

So I got me a tooth that hurts. Been hurting for two weeks. Had to wait for an appointment because I am poverty stricken and uninsured. Dentists don't like people like me. And, honestly, it wasn't exactly killing me. I've been getting by on a diet of baby food and whiskey-laced oatmeal.

Two choices: 1) Another fucking crown. I already have three in my ancient mouth which, incidentally, pop off from time to time. 2) Pull the damn tooth. Crown - $1,800. Yank the motherfucker - $465.

I'm yanking it. Fuck it, I am sick of dealing with this shit. I spent $3,000 on one tooth last year - for a root canal and a crown. I have become a dullard - imagine saying yes to a situation like that? My brain is officially dead.

Didn't do anything today; it was essentially a consultation. Cost $150.

The aged are thrown to the wolves when it comes to teeth and eyes - medicare don't cover that shit. Makes perfect sense, don't you think?

One more thing that I hate myself for. How incredibly insane that Carol and I are in this position. We should be blowing $2,500/week on designer jewelry and premium booze. Instead we cannot afford dental care and eye care.

"Joey - you just walked into a wall and broke your nose! Don't you want to see the optometrist?"

"I'll call work and see if I can pick up more hours. Maybe, with a little luck, in six months I'll be able to afford to give the eye-man his pound of flesh. In the meantime I'll set the nose with a clothespin."

And I consider myself intelligent.