Thinking About Death (For a Change)

Read an article by Jean Stimmell titled The last hurrah.

He references an article in Atlantic Magazine written by an oncologist and bioethicist entitled "Why I Hope to Die at 75." He talks about the obsession with extending life through exercise, healthy diets, vitamins, supplements etc. The killer observation is that over the last 50 years "health care hasn't slowed the aging process so much as it has slowed the dying process."

Painful but true.

A turn of the century medical text says short illness and quick death help "the old man escape those cold gradations of decay so distressing to himself and to his friends."

Stimmell has survived four cancers and says he is "reluctant to submit to more heavy-duty medical treatment in the future because of the additional toll it will take on my compromised body....."

Here's my point.

I am working hard to lose weight and get in shape, probably for the last time. Because if I lose the weight and then gain it back.............I am a fucking idiot. Because I am old. It gets harder and harder, baby.

I have been exercising regularly for a month and a half now and I feel good..................psychologically. But I don't feel any healthier. Am I pissing in the wind? Should I give up and live on dark chocolate and whiskey? It's tempting.

I wake up tired. I have to force myself to exercise every single time. I never feel energetic enough to do it, but I am obsessed with getting unfat. Sometimes it feels like I won't even get through the routine. My legs feel like lead on the exercise bike, and my arms get wobbly when I do phony baloney strength shit.

Of course I am working against a couple of negativities. 

1) Exhaustion. I sleep like shit, and over the past year it feels like exhaustion has become cumulative. I am a fucking zombie. Next week I am participating in a consultation, prior to doing a sleep study thingy. I am praying that this eventually leads to me getting "normal" sleep. 

I am hopeful because I recently had a discussion with an old friend of mine who suffered from sleep apnea. His symptoms were exactly what mine are. He now uses a CPAP, which he highly recommends.

Honestly, I was thinking if the sleep dudes recommended CPAP I was going to politely blow them off and stock up on quaaludes. After talking to Gary I will give CPAP a try. He said it took about 3 weeks to get used to it, but now he sleeps like a baby and wakes up refreshed. WHAT?????????? I so desperately want to wake up in the morning possessing energy. 

2) Hormone therapy. I am still feeling the effects of that. Think about it - my testosterone level was reduced to almost zero for two fucking years. That's gotta fuck you up. Plus I'm sure the therapy affected other shit within my body that I am not even aware of. I know I am still feeling the effects because I am still getting hot flashes. I AM NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exhaustion, hormone therapy and.............age. This is what I am really getting at.

What if I lose the weight, sleep better, overcome the effects of hormone therapy and still feel eternally tired? Because I am old. Worn out. Rusted. That would fucking suck.

What if I cannot overcome the cold gradations of decay?

A dark future awaits.