Happiness Realized

Carol and I are in our new home that we love.

I am experiencing happiness. Very strange.

Just experiencing happiness is an exotic thing. It is so rare of an emotion for me that when it occurs I stop dead in my tracks and wonder "Am I dying? What is this?"

Walked into this place for good Tuesday evening around 5 o'clock. I was overwhelmed. With gratitude, disbelief, and.....................happiness.

Carol and I were exhausted. Practically dead. But we are proud of how hard we worked on the move, especially at the age of 69. We are tough motherfuckers and I will never let anyone else tell me otherwise.

It is a miracle that it even happned. Every stage of the process had to fit narrow miraculous parameters, and they did.

So I am happy. 

I am also noticing that I am experiencing happiness at an intensity that is exponentially more powerful than it has been for the last 20 years. It is stunning. I pick up Emmy Lou or Patsy and almost cry with joy. I hug Carol, I kiss her and I feel alive! For a very long time I felt much closer to dead than alive.

I am dancing around the house. I was singing to myself in Market Basket yesterday.

It is fucking amazing. I FEEL SO GOOD.

We have a grandson on the way. Jackson Joseph Testa. We are in a beautiful new home that we love.

The next step is to resolve my humiliating employment torture. And I will. Oh you better believe I fucking will. Very, very soon.

I will either be working from home or working someplace close by. And making more money. Period. End of story. We have had so much luck lately that I know it will carry over to this nasty, rancid, piece of my life. And when that happens I will have a completely new life. Which is what I crave. With every fiber of my being.

A clean break. A new start. A fresh perspective.

Correction: I just said "we have had so much luck lately". There is a bit of luck mixed in, but we deserve this good fortune. We have earned it. We have worked hard forever, we are 69 years old, Carol has defeated breast cancer and a brain tumor, I am beating prostate cancer - this is our time.

And I am focused with extreme prejudice on making it all work, on making it better and better, on making Carol happy. And on appreciating and basking in my own happiness.

 I am alert, I am alive, and I am grateful for my awakening.