The Death of Resignation

I used to sigh all the time in the other house.

The sighs were fueled by depression, anger, self-loathing, resignation - resignation that I would die in that house as a failure. That I had blown my life.

I sigh a lot in the new home. In disbelief. And happiness. I exhale hope and gratitude, over and over again. I cannot believe this has happened. It shouldn't have. There was probably a 1% chance things would go the way they did. But they did. And I know exactly what I have.

An opportunity. A chance to understand the beauty of all this, and a chance to build upon it.

I have had many opportunities in my life and blown every single one. 

In 1985 I was laid off from Wang Labs and given a generous severance package that gave me months and money to change direction. An opportunity to flee accounting and do something meaningful. I wasted it and remained an accountant for twenty five more years.

In 2002 (I think) Keith and Craig moved out. We should have sold the house then and made more sense of our life. We didn't.

In 2016 I semi-fucking-retired, from then until now working only 20 hours a week. Giving me ample time to save my life. I wasted it.

But now I know what I have. The Final Opportunity. THE chance to get the happiness that has eluded me for so long. I know it in my heart, I know it in my soul, and I understand the gravity of procrastination. I have no time for that. It is now or never.

Jackson Joseph Testa gives me magic to work with. This beautiful new home gives me magic to work with. The fresh perspective of a new town gives me magic to work with. That is such a great place to start from.

I am armed with an abundance of magic and an abundance of determination, and something new. The confidence to make it work. I know I am going to remake my life in the image it was intended to have.

An image that will become my reality and release my soul to fly.

I have been waiting 69 years for this.

I am not going to fuck it up.