Need More of That

Still kicking ass.

Exercising like a pig-donkey, dieting like a motherfucker.

Actually, I am overstating the dieting thing. If I was truly dieting like a motherfucker it would be black coffee, one apple a day, one tin of tuna a day. Actually it would have to be a tin of chicken - I fucking hate seafood.

But I am eating a lot less, eating a lot better. I have to enjoy myself sometime, no? On Sunday night I allow myself ice cream, and it is better than heroin. It would be an unspeakably horrible twist of fate for me to "diet like Bale" and expire under the surgeons handsaw.

Somedays I feel like fucking Superman. Like today. And yesterday. I feel supreme. Christ, I love it.

Then there is the psychological angle. Not so easy.

Everday, my mind wrestles with concerns about jobs and money and making the right decision so I can have a job and make money doing something I enjoy. Something that utilizes my natural talent. Which is................................

I go to job search websites, job advice websites, how to websites, state job websites, headhunter websites, old people job websites like AARP and Retirement Jobs.

I go to writing websites that offer jobs and advice and point me to other websites where I can search for jobs and advice. I am writing and submitting stuff again. Getting rejected.

I'm worried about this knee thing. I'm worried about the month of August - I hope the rehab delivers maximum results in minimum time.

Everyday I wrestle with self-esteem.

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too much too fast. Fucking overload!

I sacrificed a chance to be with my grandson Jackson yesterday so I could focus on shutting my brain the fuck down. Carol took care of him, she was gone for 8 and 1/2 hours.

I shut everything down. I watched a lot of golf, which brings me great piece. I exercised in the morning, I exercised in the afternoon. I watched some racing. I read. I ate well.

I did not visit one fucking website. Not one. Did not check email (I get a thousand a day because of all the websites I monitor). Stayed away from my phone. Everytime worry invaded my thoughts I forced myself to focus on DAN BROWN (who had a magical day at The Open yesterday, not so much today - golf is a cruel sport).

My day was spectacular. I felt so relaxed, so calm, that I actually enjoyed being alive.

I need more of that.

I need a lot more of that.

P.S. - I will be spending time with Jackson tomorrow. Bonus, baby - bonus!!!!!!!!!!!!!