Secret Addiction

I have a secret addiction that Carol doesn't know about.

Ozzy's Boneyard on Sirius XM. I listen to it. LOUD. I love it. But not when Carol is in the car.

Carol's musical tastes are much narrower than my own. She is highly critical of music she doesn't like. And, in her defense, with deafness in one ear, loud music is a problem for her.

When I am alone in my car I blast that shit to the high heavens. Especially in the summertime. Yeah, baby!

I was running around yesterday doing stuff, assaulting my eardrums, listening to the Boneyard and smiling as I rolled.

Here I Go Again came on. By White Snake. You know the song - we all know the song. I have heard it a million times, but yesterday it hit me differently.

I am receiving information differently these days - music, the written word, my experiences. My thoughts go off on unpredictable tangents. SO MUCH has happened to me in the past 8 and 1/2 months that my brain has been re-wired. You can hear the buzz if you get close to me. Ripe for change but not quite motivated enough. The explosion will come. The sequence has been activated and cannot be stopped. 

An inevitable conclusion is coming my way.

"I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been, hanging on the promises in songs of yesterday, and I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time, here I go again, here I go again, though I keep searching for an answer, I never seem to find what I'm looking for, oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on...........

'Cause I know what it means, to walk along the lonely street of dreams"

That's me, folks. Searching for answers, never finding what I'm looking for. I don't know where I'm going but I do know I better get it right. I have made up my mind - I ain't wasting no more time. I gotta deal with this fucking knee replacement and it is holding me in limbo. And will while I recover too. But I plan on being a new man when I come out the other side of this thing. I have to be a new man. And fuck me if I'm not.

I walk along the lonely street of dreams every fucking day. I am a dreamer. I am a loner.

"Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known, like a drifter I was born to walk alone..........."

I have a strong and fiercely loving family. I have a few solid friends. I am lonely.

It has always been that way. Alone in my head. Lonely. It is what it is.

The song hit me hard yesterday. I liked it. Made me feel alive.