This is a Moment (Maybe My Last)

I have tripped over a few crossroads in my life. Blew it every time. 1972. 1979. 1983. 2002. 2016. Should have made changes, did not make changes. Stayed the course and paid the price. A harsh price because the course was not my own.

2023/2024. Another crossroad. The Stones said it best: "Well, this could be the last time, this could be the last time, maybe the last time, I don't know." I mean how many fucking chances does one human get?

And I have stumbled. 

The state of my soul is in serious disrepair - I have the power to heal it. Carol and I need stability but it has to be on my terms.

Took on two jobs since I have been up here - quit them both. Because they were the wrong fucking jobs. Every job I have ever had has been the wrong fucking job, except tending bar, and I don't have the energy or inspiration to do that now.

I am crystal clear about what has happened in my life in the past 8 months. A door has opened wide - I have space to breathe - I can take a little time to think, to decide, and to act.

"This is the time of your life, what you gonna do with it? Don't fool with it. This is the time of your life. You better face it, don't waste it. Don't think about the future, don't think about the past. There's just this moment, better make it last. You better get it right 'cause this is the time of your life."

From The Time of Your Life, Little Steven (Steven Van Zandt)

That is exactly how I feel. I feel those words as if Jesus Christ himself were whispering them in my ear.

I am not afraid. I do feel some pressure. What is at stake? Stability for Carol and me. My happiness. My pride. My soul.

Have I learned the right lessons? Do I have the knowledge and the balls to do what is right for me? Finally?

I don't know. But I have learned what failure feels like. I despise the feeling.

"With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone."    Oscar Wilde

That's the rub. Seems like, had I accumulated wisdom over 70 years, I would feel it. There would be a depth, a conviction of the soul powerful enough to overcome doubt.

I am not sure. Maybe I have it, maybe I don't.

I feel more even-tempered than I have for a long, long time. Maybe that is wisdom.

Doesn't matter. I am searching for answers. Actively. Ultimately, I am looking to re-write the story of my life. 

I am hoping to edit my epitaph before someone else writes it for me.