I am reviewing my current situation.
I exercised on Monday, December 19, and Wednesday, December 21. And not once more since. Because the work schedule has been insane, and because I got sick on Christmas Eve and remain so. In fact the hideous disease has gotten worse day by day. My lungs are filled with stuff you do not want in your lungs, and I am so tired I can barely muster the energy to whine. Thank god I have the day off. I will wallow in fat lethargy, reserving energy for the next two days.
Which will be insane. December 30 and 31. Boozehounds licking their chops as they indiscriminately grab every bottle within reach to lubricate the road to oblivion. Especially champagne, which most of them don't drink regularly and will result in a nasty hangover.
Last year we locked the doors at 5:00 on New Years's Eve and there were thirty or forty people in the store. It took twenty minutes to process their precious transactions, and while we were doing that, there were noses pressed to the window outside smeared with the tears of those who were just one step too slow.
I have never understood the concept of starting a New Year with your head in the toilet. Although in the interest of full disclosure I have to tell you I have done it at least 20 to 25 times. But my heart wasn't in it. Can you cut me some slack?
Anyway I believe that life beats you down. Just as I achieve one modest goal, work and compromised health conspire to beat me back to failure.
Gaining weight, limited exercising, limited writing.
It will be a real challenge to bust into 2012 with a positive vibe, given the fact that Carol and Jesus have conspired against me.
In my weakness Carol has tempted me with lemon bars, mounds of chocolate chip cookies, pecan pie, strawberry cake, and apple crisp. I could not resist; in fact I consumed them with severe prejudice, like a coke lover attaching a vacuum cleaner to his nose. She is an awesome baker and her creations descend from heaven directly into my mouth.
I commissioned a panel to study why I have been laid low with disease just when I had transformed myself into the ultimate exercise lunatic. Every single clue, all hints, every subtly nuanced fact pointed directly to heaven.
I was provided with a DVD, secretly obtained, of Jesus watching my life on his personal Plasma High Def 3D Life Monitor Device. He was laughing at my every sneeze, each cough and sniffle, chuckling at my exhaustion.
The worst, absolute worst, was when he was heard to say "You think you are going to make something out of your life Joe Testa after all these years of sloth and lethargy? Keep trying, buddy boy, but I ain't gonna make it easy for you. You have to work to succeed." I can't believe he stole a line from a Yes song. You would thing Jesus would be naturally creative.
Anyway I have it all on video. You can watch it when you come over to celebrate my birthday on January 1.
So that's it. Beaten down once again. But I am not done. I got a secret weapon this time. A highly coveted video of Jesus eating meat on a Friday in 1967. In an alley. Surrounded by disreputable butchers. And Jesus nervously twitching as he tries to hide his face in shadow.
You want to screw with me big guy? Bring it on, baby. This is the new me and I don't take no for an answer.
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