Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Money and Time

I'm digging this living in the now concept. My buddy Eckhart is big on that. He says there is no time, there is only now. I like that. Of course there is chronological time, you gotta know what time it is so you don't piss off your boss, but he's talking about psychological time.
Regret and worry, past and future - the hell with them.
I live in a constant state of anxiety. My guts churn, my synapses burn, I mull over my mistakes and worry about what I will do and how much time I have to do it.
When I am disciplined enough to jolt myself back to the now, BOOM, anxiety evaporates. It is a pyshical release triggered by a thought process, an awareness.
It works and it blows my mind. It blows my mind when I consider how much of my life I have wasted living in the past and fearing the future. It blows my mind to feel how peaceful I can be when I keep my mind present.
There really is only now. I can grab NOW by the cojones and squeeze every drop of potential out of it. I can make it mine.
Of course with me it's a constant battle. I can experience a blissful NOW moment and in less than a minute become crippled with regret. How crazy is that?
The NOW moments are becoming more frequent and it's a good place to live.
Money is insidious. I gotta have it. Bags of it, piles of it. Do what you love and the rest comes. I dig that saying and I think it ties into the NOW concept in the sense that if you are doing what you love regardless of the consequences, you are living in the now.
I love to write. I believe I can at least make money on the side from writing. I try to do what I love every day but my time is limited because my life demands money.
I have tried not eating and paying the mortgage late; neither of these things resulted in fruitful outcomes.
I need money to free me. So I can write. And make more money.
This is me at my best and at my worst. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Dickens. Read him. He rocks.
The NOW stuff is cerebral, almost religious; the money hunger is crass.
But I'm 58, baby. I don't have decades to build a writing career, to develop a writing reputation. It has to happen in a milli second.
"We want the world and we want it now." The Doors. Listen to them. They rock.
Money-wise, all I really want is dignity. No fear. The no fear that comes from having enough of a savings account that no crisis can sink me.
Dinner once a week with my amazing wife. Nice cars. Money to spend on my kids and my extemded kids.
I woke up with these two concepts floating around my whiskey addled brain this morning.
Time. Money.
I am really getting somewhere with the NOW thing. I dig it, I believe in it; it provides me with the clarity I need to LIVE my life.
The money thing, I don't know. I am fixated on it. Read an articel on homeless people in Rolling Stone. Homeless people you would never expect to be homeless.
I am one step away from that. Because of my financial situation, the economy and the brutal ruthlessness of the financial community.
This worries me. I like living indoors.
So there you have it. In an ideal world, the discipline I am trying to achieve in my mind would lead to financial security in some serpentine, unpredictable way.
But this ain't no ideal world, baby.
At the very least, I am in an interesting place. At least in my head.
Time and Money.
Like dueling banjos in my mind.

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