Thursday, June 21, 2012

There Is A Vibe

There is a vibe. It is inside me, it hovers around me, it's in my soul and in my mind. It moves with me and inspires me. It makes me feel strong and it makes me feel hopeful.
I need magic in my life. I need mystery. Life is boring. The majority of your life is spent working and the majority of you hate your jobs. So you know what I say is true. The un-boring part of your life is a tiny fraction.
You need hope. You need to dream. Barbecues are not the ultimate answer, although they will do in a pinch.
I had a physical, I endured a colonostomy. No bad news. I am always surprised by this because between booze and anxiety, my body is under constant attack.
In addition I had a strange moment yesterday when they were wheeling me into the Anal Entertainment Center. I was rolling through the corridors, lying on the bed with an IV jabbed into the back of my hand, wearing a silly garment, looking out from that perspective. I looked at the people walking by, I looked at the rooms, the antiseptic hallways, I was feeling helpless and I did not like it at all. I imagined myself as a heart attack victim, a cancer warrior, picturing myself with tubes in my arm, tubes down my throat. I f***ing hated it and realized I don't ever want to experience that feeling for real. Not for thirty more years, hopefully never.
The kicker here is that I recently had an epiphany that radically changed my approach to life. So you take an epiphany and add in a couple of unexpected thumbs up health wise and a hospital bed perspective, and I am buzzing.
As I said, I need magic. I need signs, I need inspiration. So forgive what I have to say next, please indulge my approach to life.
I feel like I have been given an opportunity. A sign. It feels like a number of things are coming together in my body and my mind that will allow me or encourage me to fight for change.
I have been given an ethereal mandate.
I am determined to make something of my life and especially to extricate myself from the life suffocating employment situation I find myself in.
I am more than a part timer; I know it and I will prove it.
I have received  surprising evaluations of health in the past and I was always amazed and jazzed. Then I would quickly move on to a repetition of stupidity and hope for the best.
Not this time. So far, anyway.
This time I have a soul deep shift in perspective and habit to go along with the fact that I am apparently healthy. I generally don't trust the medical community, but I just can't rain on my own parade today. I accept their judgement and hope for the best.
Something is going on. I believe that. I have to believe that. Because I feel it. It is not just a desperate mind trying to create false hope.
I feel this throughout my body and my mind.
Many of you will mock me and consider me a fool. Those of you who have given up on life; on hope.
Let me set the record straight - I have no patience, in fact I have only contempt, for jaded losers who feed on sarcasm and a faux "I know everything attitude."
You are a f***ing fool to think that way. It is a defense mechanism and one that shrinks your life down to nothing and converts death into a positive.
I will never give up hope and I will never give up  trying to make my life something I can be proud of.  A life unexamined...................
I feel perfectly armed with the right weapons this time around.
When you feel good, when you feel positive and strong, you gotta go with it. Life is always looking to beat you down. You gotta fake it out, give it a different look, force it to change it's game plan.
Dig it, baby.

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