I have explored this topic before but I am driven to return to it time and again.
Woke up early yesterday, lying there with my mind going in 153,768 different directions.
The alarm almost always mocks me. Springing to life well after I have already awakened.
Maka was curled up next to me.
She is so goddamn cute. She's a tiny cat and she curls up right close in cracks and crevices.
She was leaned up against my enormous belly.
Right now my body is nothing more than a poison bag. Raging with anger and fear and worry and disappointment and confusion.
When she or Lakota are right up against me like that I worry that my poison will infect them. I am enormous compared to them and I fear the power of my evil will destroy their gentle nature.
It is like a battle; their sweet gentle love and sensitivity against my turmoil. I'm sure they transmit their innocence and naturalness to me but my defenses are stout and I am incapable of learning.
It occurred to me yesterday that I should worry less. It is not a size thing, it is a natural thing. In other words they are at ease with who they are while I fight myself every step of the way.
My poison could never contaminate their existence because they have the power of peace of mind within them.
I need to work on that learning thing.
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