Almost Forgot

The final chapter of The Day That Covid Broke Me, is The Beatles.

I was driving home from picking up the pizza.

First of all my car inspires emotion in me because I cannot believe I am driving a brand new car. Part of me feels I don't deserve it. I am not used to having nice things.

Every time I get into it I look around and say "Holy shit". When I drive it I feel proud. I feel good. Sometimes I just smile. But the disbelief persists.

I am driving home with the pizza, dealing with my Covid emotions and appreciating my car. An old Beatles song pops up - I don't even remember which song it was. Do you believe that? I can usually speak in great detail about the music in my life but I was really fucked up that night.

The Beatles bring up strong emotions in me. Especially when I got beyond a certain point in my life.

For a long time they inspired regret.

The Beatles represented hope when they came along. Even though I was only 10 years old. I recognized that this was something different. Very fucking different. As I got older and could intellectualize it I knew they stood for rebellion and individuality and creativity and avoiding the norm and actually living a life.

Then my life became predictable and their songs made me regretful. Regretful that I ended up doing what everybody else was doing instead of blazing my own path.

Lately I have been feeling grateful for The Beatles and appreciative of their role in my life that was unique to my generation and no other.

Friday night when their song came on I got tears in my eyes. Tears brought on by a fierce desire for life to return to normal. It felt so bizarre to listen to these guys sing in a world that is so dark. Darker than at any time in my life.

Suddenly that music represented normalcy to me. Comfort.

99% of the time when I hear a Beatles song in my car I sing along. I am a sick prick. I know every goddamn lyric. And I delude myself into believing I have a good singing voice. If I don't sing along it means I am distracted by something.

I did not sing Friday night. I couldn't. I got really emotional.

In that situation The Beatles represented what normal life should be. Not this dark bullshit we got going on now.

They made me think about the simple joy of singing alone in my car.

Happy. Unconcerned.