Mother's Day. Via Zoom.
In one respect it was super cool.
I am striving for complete and raw honesty in here from now on as much as I can so..................honestly I was not 100% looking forward to it. It was a compromise that ran up against
my natural sensitivity, love and empathy. I hate this fucking situation we are in.
In my Mother's Day card to Carol I wrote that it broke my heart that we had to celebrate Mother's Day this way. And I meant it.
If there was ever a mother who deserved to be in her sons' company, to hug them and look into their eyes and see and feel their love - it is Carol. She is all about Keith and Craig. And Amanda. ALL about them. And Krista, when we get to meet her. Because if my son picked her out and she is comfortable with my son, then she is extraordinary.
But yesterday was not about hugging.
Honestly, I was nervous about it. Poured myself a short whiskey to ease my way into it.
Until I saw my sons' faces on the screen. And Amanda. Jesus Christ I cannot overstate the happiness and relief and pride and love I felt in that moment. It felt so good. Honestly, my spirits were super charged.
I (we) miss them so painfully. And it felt SO good to talk them as we looked into their faces.
We talked, we laughed, it was natural. As it always is with my family.
Amanda could not hang out because she was working. Carol and I were so touched that she took the time at work to be in on this. She has been through hell. She busted her ass to help to get a new bar/restaurant opened up and, on the day it was scheduled to open, the governor shut everything down. March 17. Do you have any idea how much that sucks?
She got laid off. But the restaurant opened on Mother's Day weekend for take out, so she was on the job.
Anyway, me and Carol and Keith and Craig were on Zoom for about an hour and a half. And it was the happiest hour and a half we have had in a long time.
Afterwards, I crashed. Silently. I could not hug my sons. Carol and I had a special dinner and a great dessert - alone together. Without our family. Killed me.
I tried very hard to keep up a positive vibe for Carol. I don't know if I succeeded. Because I was really hurting.
Carol is much better at handling this stuff than I am. When I went to bed I told her Mother's Day will be a lot better next year. I barely got the words out of my mouth. I was dying.
She said she was happy the kids made the effort, she really enjoyed the conversation, and she was happy. She said she could not understand how people talk about being depressed in this stay at home shit. I said nothing but Good Night.
Even today I am bumming. I bought Carol flowers, I bought her a slick pair of earrings from a local jeweler, I bought her a cool Red Sox t-shirt that will be here on Thursday. I tried to overwhelm her with gifts and thoughtfulness.
But ultimately, it was the Zoom thing with Keith and Craig and Amanda that did the trick. THAT is what she cared about; that is what made her happy.
I cannot accept that. I need to hug my sons. Tightly. I need to hug Amanda. I need to meet Krista. I need to have a beer with Keith in his new apartment. I need to explore Portsmouth, benefiting from Keith and Krista's insiders knowledge about where are the coolest places to go. I NEED that. I need physical contact and face to face honesty.
BUT I am so glad Carol accepted yesterday as it was. I wanted her to be happy so badly it was killing me. And she was.
It worked well.
Now we move on.
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