The Truth Is

I am a little nervous.

Every time I talk about where me and Carol are right now, how lucky we are, how we are not desperate, there's a little voice in my head that says "Watch yourself, buddy".

Unemployment benefits have been extended from 26 weeks to 39 weeks. That's almost 10 months.

That's good.

Hyundai is promising me up to 3 months of deferred payments. That's good.

The city job is making it sound pretty positive that I will be called back. That's good.

BUT

What if the city job does not call me back? This economy is too shaky to take anything for granted.

What are my employment prospects under that scenario? Being an old fucker works against me and, how many jobs will there be? A lot of jobs are going to go down the tubes.

What if I reach the end of unemployment benefits? What do I do?

Equally unnerving is the fact that I filed for unemployment on April 20, I filed for deferred payments with Hyundai a day or two later.

I have not seen a dime of unemployment benefits and Hyundai has not approved my request for deferred payments.

Every time I say me and Carol are basically on a paid vacation I feel guilty about it. It doesn't seem right. We put ourselves in this position and deserve credit for that, but lately I have been visualizing The Devil looking over my shoulder.

Licking his chops.

"Yeah, Joe boy, you're having a good time now. Enjoy yourself buddy. Enjoy your self-improvement efforts, enjoy your serenity, enjoy the weather, enjoy your new car, enjoy the fact that you don't have to work and there is no apparent consequence to that.

All of that is gonna change, buddy. Soon you will be eating cat food, your car will be repossessed, your house will be foreclosed on, you and the wife will be living in her Bug, and your sons won't even take you in.

You will stand outside their windows as you shuttle back and forth between Manchester and Portsmouth. Nose pressed against the windowpane, desperate pleading in your eyes. They will come to the door and toss a Slim Jim your way and say 'Go ahead, Dad - knock yourself out'. And when you ask to use the bathroom they'll say 'Go ahead and shit your pants, Dad. And use poison ivy to wipe your ass'.

Payback for all the times you beat them senseless with a Dwight Evans autographed baseball bat.

And then you will be mine."

It could happen.