The Toilet Paper Chronicles

A few weeks ago I had a truly banner day.

I scored 18 rolls of toilet paper in one day. 6 at Market Basket; 12 at Harvester Market.

This apparently caused a rip in the space time continuum that sparked a series of events truly unprecedented in the history of modern man.

Shortly after that I scored 4 more rolls at harvester. I was still in the "you never know" phase of the toilet paper spectrum at the time.

A short while later I scored 12 more rolls at Harvester. Now I was feeling secure. 34 rolls of toilet paper in inventory. All of it was real middle of the road stuff - 2 ply - but still, it was comforting.

Actually the total was higher than that. The first toilet paper I scored at the very beginning of this crisis was five individual rolls, again at Harvester. 1 ply. Fucking 1 ply. Who the hell ever decided that 1 ply toilet paper is acceptable?

Ever notice that wherever you work, or whenever you go out, the bathrooms are stocked with 1 ply? Cheap bastards. Every shitter should be able to take a shit without worrying about Feces Fingers.

We never even used the 1 ply. So the new adjusted total at the time was 39 rolls of toilet paper.

Until.............................

a couple of weeks ago I was shopping at Market Basket, walking down the aisle to get kleenex when what do I see before me but the gold standard of toilet paper.

Charmin Ultra-Strong. A 9 mega-roll package. Are you fucking kidding me? I could not have been happier if they were handing out free bottles of Crown Royal.

I snagged it.

If you have been keeping track that brings the total to 48 rolls of toilet paper, including 9 mega-rolls.

Please understand - I was back in Market Basket yesterday doing a week's shopping. Actually 2 weeks shopping. I got this shit down now. I don't leave my house more than once a week. Occasionally 2. But I am focused like a motherfucker.

When this stupidity started I was still leaving the house 3 or 4 times a week. I have since wised up.

Anyway I turn the corner yesterday to get kleenex (I blow my nose a LOT) and come face to face with toilet paper. Lots of it. Cheap shit and name brands. Plenty of name brands.

I walked right on by.

I am not a hoarder, despite your vicious accusations.



Editor's Note - Harvester Market deserves the Golden Toilet Paper Award for keeping my asshole consistently unconcerned.