Covid Broke Me - Part Two

I went food shopping yesterday.

Walked into Market Basket with my mask on. Followed all the rules. Walked the aisles in the correct direction, following the arrows. Kept my distance from other shoppers. Stayed behind the tape on the floor at the check out. Waited for the customer ahead of me to complete their transaction completely and walk away. Waited for the cashier to sterilize the conveyor belt before I loaded up my stuff. Stood behind the plastic barrier until I paid.

Saw the little girl as I loaded my trunk.

Next stop - the hardware store next door. Needed wasp killer. Kept the mask on. Followed the arrows on the floor. Stood behind the tape in line for the register. Slid the can of wasp killer around the plastic barrier. Paid. Exited out the only door I was allowed to exit from.

Next stop - the liquor store next door. Kept my mask on. Got my booze. Stood behind the tape on the floor in line for the register. Slid the booze behind the plastic barrier. Paid. Walked out the proper exit.

When I got home I was hurting. I didn't realize how much until about an hour later.

When I got home I sat down and had a leisurely beer. Then I got up to order supper. We treat ourselves every Friday night. Called a local place, gave them my order, they told me it would be an hour. I told them to forget it. Called a local pizza place, placed the order, they told me it would be 45 minutes. I said OK and hung up.

That's when I broke.

I ranted a little bit, then just stretched out in my recliner for 35 minutes. Said nothing. Stared at the fucking ceiling.

I am tired of all this. Not the inconvenience. That is what it is. I am tired of what the world is right now. I hate it. It is depressing. It is so dark and so evil.

I am tired of making the transition from the peace of my home to the war zone of the outside world. I hate putting on a mask, I hate keeping my distance, I hate standing behind tape, I hate standing behind plastic barriers.

What the fuck is all this?

I drank too much whiskey last night. I didn't know what else to do. I was hurting.

I kept thinking about that little girl, kept thinking about her parents, on top of all the other bullshit that was hammering my brain into a state of comatose rejection.

I am OK today. As OK as I can be in a pandemic assaulted world.

But I imagine another break down will come along. Human beings should not have to deal with this shit. With the unpredictability and unnatural rhythms and rituals of a fucked up world.

It keeps you off balance. It assaults your senses, it flips your brain upside down.

I am tired of this.

So, so tired.