Just A Tad?

Just got back from yet another medical appointment.

This one was pretty low key. A 6 month follow-up to my last physical. I did not know such a thing existed. Apparently they are keeping a closer watch on me at this moment in time.

Everything looks cool. I guess I am firing on all cylinders.

"For someone my age."

Next Monday the heat gets turned up. Meeting with the radiologist to go through "simulation (treatment planning)." A 60 to 90 minute session. During this meeting my "treatment site is mapped out to determine my daily/total radiation dose and how to minimize radiation to adjacent areas."

This is best achieved with a full bladder and an empty rectum. Ain't this a hoot?

Essentially they need to locate the exact position of the prostate, using a CT scan, and a full bladder and empty rectum improves the accuracy.

They are asking me to drink 16 ounces of water in the forty minutes before the simulation and then not urinate until after the simulation. Unless you are a 67 year old man, you cannot understand how difficult that can be. Might as well ask me to jog the 20 miles to the appointment.

We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, it is time for some honesty.

I am getting a little nervous. It was easy saying it will be no big deal when the whole thing was 2 months away, but now it is staring me in the face. Lift off will be in April and May.

The guidelines I am holding in my hand say "a full/larger bladder may help reduce some bowel/bladder side effects from the radiation dose and it will maintain treatment accuracy."

Reduce some bowel/bladder side effects. Heavy duty words. I have been warned about this, but up to now it has been a concept. It is about to become a potential reality.

I have always hoped I would die from a massive heart attack. Boom, I'm gone. Better yet, just drift off in my sleep, but I have never felt that my karma earned me the right to be rewarded in that way.

What I didn't want was death from cancer. Cancer is so undignified; such a bizarre and vicious disease.

I probably won't die from this, but of course the thought is in the back of my mind. It has to be. I would be naive to ignore that possibility.

It's ironic, the slow drip of Covid fear has been much relieved by getting completely vaccinated. Now it is replaced by the slow drip of radiation treatment and the dark thought of a bad outcome.

Next Monday the medical community will be turning up the dial. I am standing on the diving board, toes over the edge, about to take the ultimate leap of faith.

Honestly. I am a tad nervous.