And Now For Something Completely Different

I did something yesterday that I have never before done in my life.

I spent time with a shrink.

Been thinking about it for a while; like DECADES, but never got around to it. But this is 2014 and I am sixty years old.

It is time for the volcano to erupt.

Didn't know what to expect. A piece of my brain doubts the value of therapy only because I have heard so many people spend years and years indulging in it. I don't want this to be endless. I don't have time.

I need it to end in resolution. In the untying of the knots in my brain.

Got a good vibe right out of the box. I was not sure if therapy consists of only endless talking and gentle prodding. If that is what it is I could deal with it as long as I sense change and evolution.

This guy made it clear that he is going to challenge me and guide me towards facing my fears and overcoming them. I like that.

he introduced himself, gave me some background and then set me loose. "Tell me why you are here."

I am determined to be brutally honest throughout this process, otherwise what is the point? I told him about my fears and hangups and insecurity, the depth of unhappiness I endure every day, drinking, the anxiety that I wear like skin, the hatred I have for the life I live.

It registered in my brain how different it is unburdening all this to a stranger. I have spent many decades whining to my wife, my sons, my brother and my friends in full knowledge that they would cut me some slack. That makes it easier and more self indulgent.

Laying out 4 decades of perceived failures to a stranger made me sound like a fool. Made me piercingly aware of how much life I have wasted. It was a positive realization; it immediately made me look at myself more harshly.

Talk got around to the job and the boss. I confessed my inability to confront my boss over her pettiness, coldness, agenda driven bullshit, commitment to gossip, and unfairness.

He asked "What are you afraid of?" I stopped cold. Wait, what? Afraid? I never thought about it that way. I thought I was minimizing the stress in my life by not butting heads with an idiot.

I told him that. He said "Take a minute. Think about this. I really would like an answer."

Boom. He was not going to let me off the hook. There was a minute of uncomfortable silence. Eventually I answered him but I liked the fact that he pushed me. Right there. At my first session.

He quickly arrived at the conclusion that I have spent my life in avoidance. This is not brilliant insight. Even my cats know that.

But he said the focus of our discussions were going to be to move me from avoidance to confrontation of my fears, and change. He said it would be uncomfortable at first because my emotions will lag behind my actions. That I had to act confident before I could be confidant.

Boom. One of my favorite Leonard Cohen quotes is: "Act the way you want to be and soon you will be the way you act."

Interestingly enough, when he talked about confronting my fears I got nervous in the gut. That is exactly what I am there for and yet when he tells me that's what we are going to do, I get weak.

I know the source of all my problems. My parents beat me viciously as a child with bicycle chains, whips and 2x4's, lit my hair on fire and put it out with gasoline. My wife belittles me in public, calling me Idiot Boy and Anxiety Arse. My sons won't even go out in public with me; I call and say "Let's do this," and they respond "You got to be kidding me, Dad - I don't ever want anybody to know that you sired me. If you even did."

Still, therapy might be helpful.

I feel good about taking the step. It is one more thing that I have set in motion in 2014. Don't know where it will lead, but it is CHANGE, something completely different creating an alternate vibe in my life.

The drive out to the shrink was long, about forty minutes, but gorgeous; his office is in a beautifully stereotypical, small New England town. The ride is all winding back roads.

It was gorgeous weather yesterday, the ride calmed my soul, my senses were soothed by natural beauty.

I thought "What a gorgeous ride. At least for now. It will suck in the winter, though."

I got work to do.