Thinking About Luck

My brain has been on overdrive since 01/01/14.

Plotting, planning, analyzing, worrying and thinking.

The thought occurred to me yesterday that I am going to need a little luck to pull myself up from the darkness I have enveloped myself with, to a life that brings me happiness, pride, self-love and peace.

The next immediate thought was that I don't deserve luck.

I have wasted the majority of my life procrastinating, making bad decisions, making no decisions, indecisive in fear, not bold in moving forward.

This far down the road, this deep into a life badly lived, it seems a bit pretentious to hope for luck.

When you are young maybe you come up against luck. Your mind is open, you haven't made too many mistakes, most of your karma is positive.

You are working as Hose Captain for a septic tank company and a guy comes up to you and says "You belong on the silver screen." Next thing you know you are co-starring opposite Al Pacino in a movie titled "Rollicking Fate."

This can happen when you are young. It cannot happen when you are old.

Age and all the mistakes that come with it, throws up a force field around you. Even if luck gets lost on the way to youth and accidentally heads your way, it bumps up against the force field and goes on its merry way, course corrected.

Fortunately, luck is invisible. You don't see it coming, you don't see it leave. Which is good because in that situation, awareness would radically increase the suicide rate.

I know I don't deserve luck. I know it won't happen. I am OK with that.

I am rumbling my life about a bit, shaking things up to an extent; I am trying.

Maybe for the first time in my life.

If I can whip the wheel around to the left, get off this road and onto that path, if I can create change that I can feel, that would be monumental.

I know intuitively that staying the course is impossible. There is a dark voice in my head that knows with all the wisdom of sixty years behind it, that if there is no change in the very near future, calamity will follow.

I don't think that will happen. Internal changes have been made, I am approaching some things differently externally, I think I have twisted the wheel to the left about an inch.

The trick is to not allow the wheel to shift back to center.

Believe me, I am hanging on with all my might.