Can't Hurt, Can It?

Had a strange thought following the first visit to the shrink.

During the session I was explaining the motivation behind seeking therapy. In my typical offhand but honest way, in part, I explained that I have spent a lifetime crafting this outward personae that is not really me.

That I work hard to give off an air of confidence and casual sarcasm to mask the wickedly sensitive, introspective dude that I really am.

Subsequently I began to wonder if I am fooling myself. And for how long.

How do I know how much of me is real and how much is playacting?

Looking at it from one angle I know I have been fooling myself because if I didn't I would have committed suicide by now.

I have lived so long in so much pain at having this stranger jammed into my own skin, it would be impossible to survive only the truth.

I started wondering how I would talk to this guy if I was honestly myself. As I confessed my soul I did it in a confidant manner. Like a guy who knows exactly what he is talking about. Like a guy who is not twisted up inside like some vile, dark undergrowth in the Devil's garden.

Sorry - I just can't resist stuff like that. And, truthfully, it is a pretty good line.

If I was 100% honest in my confession, no playacting, should it have been tearful? Halting? Should my hands have been shaking?

I felt like I was being 100% honest. But can I be 100% honest if the playacting is going on?

I don't know.

Part of the problem is that pieces of my personae are honest. I have a dark, dry sense of humor, I am pretty easy going (with other people, not myself), I do love insanity and fun.

But I am not confidant. Not at all. I am not tough.

I am wondering how my outward projection, my personae might change if somehow through this process of therapy I can learn to just be myself.

In my mind I don't imagine a lot of change except happiness. I expect to come across as the same guy.

But what if the emergence of The Real Joe shatters the personae? What would I be like? How would I come across?

If it happens it would be a good thing. I just cannot imagine who I would be at that point. I have been the audience at my own show for as long as I can remember.

I don't know any other way to be.

But if a new me emerges, a completely different presentation to the world, that could be a very cool thing.

It is encouraging to me that just one visit with a shrink has my mind slogging through so many considerations.

Can't hurt, can it?