A Physical & Mental Inventory

I'll try to be honest.

Physically I feel like shit. Have for quite a while now.

The weight I'm carrying on my 5'7" frame is roughly akin to Atlas carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Problems with my knees and my right hip. A general sloth-like feeling. Which is accentuated by lack of sleep. I sleep like shit every night and wake up tired.

I am considering a reckless move today - publishing my current weight. So I can compare it to my weight on 12/31. I cannot lose much weight in one month but I can lose some weight. Of course it could go the other way too; I might weigh 425 pounds today and 435 pounds on 12/31.

I don't know. That's a lot of pressure. We'll see.

At least the weight gain is something I have some control over. I can do something about it. Although Dr. Feelgood's words ring in my ears from a year ago. He told me that the weight I gain during hormone therapy is very hard to lose. I don't know why. I hope he's wrong.

Anyway.......... many other body parts hurt but are not worth mentioning because they are age related.

My brain is a 50/50 split. Anxiety and self-loathing have a firm hold on my thoughts, roots that have dug deep, but I have been going at them with a scythe and hoe for most of 2021. Progress is being made.

Over the last two days, the guys working in the basement have done tremendous work - it looks like a completely different place. They ripped out moldy sheetrock, ripped out shitty carpet, got rid of a lot of trash and dirt and detritus.

We look at their accomplishment and feel hope. HOPE. Hope that we can actually transfer the burden of this house onto the back of some poor, unsuspecting rube.

Hope continues in the area of my life that causes me excessive pain. In fact I received great news last night. I can't share it with you because spies are everywhere and they do not wish me well. Truth will be revealed when the time is right. Still, HOPE.

So I gotta go to work. Gottta rough up my body to reclaim it. Gotta keep on hacking away at my brain until Real Joe is set loose upon the world.

I can do this.

I feel it in my bones.