Christmas 2021

Christmas is getting to me this year.

We watched "Love Actually" last night. The opening gambit in our four-pronged Christmas tradition.

"Love Actually", "It's A Wonderful Life", "A Very Murray Christmas", "A Christmas Carol" - George C. Scott version. These are the movies we watch every Christmas season.

I gotta have them.

"Love Actually" actually stirred some emotion in me last night. "Love Actually"? Are you kidding me? This is how I know I am primed for Christmas this year.

I am experiencing dueling emotions about the holiday. It thoroughly disgusts me that we have returned full bore to the fucking Christmas hype on TV - even after 800,000 Americans have died from Covid.

Nothing changes in America. We never learn. No matter what disasters confront us, the most important thing is that we go out and buy stuff. Corporations come up with these heart-rending commercials that bring tears, but no matter how they try to disguise it the message is "Buy our shit."

And they don't give a damn about us as human beings, although they pretend to. They only care about us as consumers.

Enough negativity.

It occurred to me recently as we put up our tiny table top Christmas tree that age causes shrinkage.

We used to travel to Vermont every year when the kids were young to get a Christmas tree. It was a tradition, it was a long drive, and we loved it. Carol's brother Sarge used to work for a guy who sold trees. Sarge would always set aside the most beautiful tree - the biggest goddamn tree - just for us.

We'd visit with Sarge and Cori for a bit, strap the tree to the roof of the car and head back home.

These trees were huge. Often 12 feet tall. The trunks were so big we had to buy a special stand to fit them.

Now we have a 4 foot tree that sits atop a table and takes 3 minutes to put up and decorate.

Age causes shirnkage. In Christmas trees. In life. Our get togethers are smaller now. Our family circle is smaller now. Our social activities are much reduced. Even our bodies shrink - except for my fucking waistline.

My whole family is gathering for Christmas. This is deeply meaningful to me. We were unable to pull that off for Thanksgiving. 

We are gathering at Craig's brand new house. Craig & Amanda, Eddie & Carolina, Keith & Krista, Carol & me.

I am so excited.

This has not happened since all this Covid shit began. Last year was a disaster, and this year has been incomplete. But on Christmas day we are going to pull it all together.

The whole family beginning what may be a new tradition. The passing of the torch.

I am the eldest male in the family. A mantle I wear uncomfortably. But sometimes I take the time to see things from that perspecive.

I am the Testa elder. I am enormously proud of my family. They make me feel good.

My sons are incredible men. They are living the lives they have created for themselves. An amazing thing to see. 

We are into Testa Family 2.0. Karen & Emily were once part of the family, and from a parent's perspective it is an odd thing to see them go. But Amanda & Carolina have stepped up. I like the way this family feels.

My brother and I have huge differences of opinion. But when I think about him it always comes down to one thing - the way he handled himself when his son Jonathan - his only son - died of a heroin overdose.

He was strong.

I got down to spend the night with him a couple of days after Jonathan died; unfortunately I was delayed a bit because Carol and I were dealing with Sarge's death, who died from cancer the day before Jonathan died. A very difficult time in our life.

I pulled into the parking lot, my brother came out to greet me, we wrapped our arms around each other and sobbed.

It has been a long and winding road from that point to where he is now, but he built a new life for himself and he is happy. I love and respect him.

On Christmas Day I will be surrounded by people I love. People I respect. People I trust with my life.

For the first time in two years.

Age causes shrinkage. Except for the love I have for my family. It has grown, and I suspect it has no upper limit.

I am so grateful for Ed & Carolina, Amanda, and Krista. I am enormously grateful for Carol & Keith & Craig.

I struck gold with the family I have around me and I never forget it or take it for granted.

Never.

It's going to be a very good Christmas.