Thursday, July 10, 2014

#3

This shrink thing is getting pretty intense.

I was so wound up when I walked out of Session 3 on Tuesday that I think I blew the receptionist's hair back. Went about scheduling the next appointment, I was explaining that my work schedule is insane so let's just pick a day and if I can't make it I'll call.

But I must have been intense. Because she kind of looked up at me strangely.

I was worked up emotionally. This is the first time that has happened.

I spend each session talking about the poisons and disruptions and distortions and tortures that have festered inside of me since I became a sentient being (assuming that has even happened). I notice that my emotions keep rising to the surface.

In addition, the shrinkmeister pokes away in an attempt to point out the fallacies in my thinking and to gently prod me towards more positive thought processes.

For some reason I came out of there feeling raw.

This time around we dug into the work environment. He was trying to find a way to inspire me to walk through The Door To Hell with a positive attitude rather than the suffocating dread I feel every work day. Asked me how I would prefer to feel as I walk in each day.

I answered saying "I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to think like this, I don't want to come across like this................"

He stopped me and asked "Do you realize you are answering in the negative? That everything about you is vibing to the negative when I was trying to prompt you towards positive feelings?".

I told him how I am often described as negative and dark and how I am tired of it because............and I went into my typical speech. I am not a pessimist, I am a realist, I am not dark I just have a dry sense of humor.

But I couldn't get through it. I started stammering and hesitating, which blew me away. I hesitated because I began to doubt the truth of my words. This is what he does to me and this is one of the results that I really dig.

As I was spewing I was thinking "Maybe this is all bullshit."

He asked in what situations I am comfortable in work and I told him the only time I am comfortable is when I am alone. That any time I have to deal with any human, I get self conscious and shaky.

This seemed to catch him off guard because he got quiet.

I filled the void by going on to opine that maybe the biggest part of my problem at work is that I feel the job is so far beneath me. That I am too intelligent to be working such a meaningless job. Nothing I do at work - nothing - means anything to me. It all feels like an enormous waste of time.

Told him that I am a creative person to the core and that is how I should be making a living. That I am not a biz-i-ness man.

Understand - when I say I am too intelligent for the job, what I am saying is that my intelligence, my talents lie elsewhere. In relation to the job I have - I am an idiot.

I told him there is a voice inside me that tells me I am above average in intelligence, talent and charisma, a voice that screams silently in frustration because outwardly I am a failure.

He seized on this. Grabbed on with both hands. Said this is an enormous issue, that it sounds to him like my whole life is tortured with unfulfillment because I feel I am doing the wrong things. That my frustration consumes me because even though I know I can do much better I have never been able to get there. That this perception of unfulfilled potential eats away at me.

I have always said the worst words to be engraved on my tombstone would be, "He had potential."

He said this could be THE major issue, or at least right there at the top of the list of the things that twist me into a depraved pretzel.

That was how the session ended.

I walked out of there with my mind reeling and promptly blew the receptionist's hair back.

I am pretty sure I know how the next session will begin.

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