Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I Don't Feel Dead

Feeling damn restless today.

Another session with the shrink yesterday. Another good one.

The more I delve into this, the more honest I get.

I was wide open yesterday. Offering up whatever came to mind with brutal honesty. Super Shrink even commented on that. Said there is no point in hiding anything and I definitely do not appear to be hiding anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I am putting up an act. I am Pacino in "real" life. De Niro. I am on stage from the minute I open my eyes in the morning to the minute the day's failures weigh my eyelids closed.

OK. That day's failures thing was overkill. Melodramatic. But I reiterate - I fancy myself a writer. That's what came out and I like the sound of it.

I am not acting in Shrinkland. I am convinced of that. I know because I come out of there drained.

The last two sessions left me rubber legged.

Weighted down with the spectre of truth.

He maneuvers me with questions and the destinations always seem to be truthful. He gets me to look at myself, my life, and my excuses from a different angle and I drive away from there with smoke pouring out of my ears.

The smoke of contemplation.

Anyway I am racing to escape Asylum hell. Applying for any and every position that comes along that is 9-5 Monday-Friday.

He gently nudged me into realizing that this is a negative thing. He pointed out that I have made the current job a huge factor in my life. That I obsess about it, that I think and worry about it constantly, that I allow it to raise my whiskey consumption to the smiles of the ownership of Seagrams.

He said: "The job is not the most important thing in your life. Not even close. You give it too much weight."

He continued by pointing out that this rush to escape is merely a continuation of negativity. That I am putting all my effort into escaping to a job that I will soon hate.

I have harped on the sixty year old thing. He has diplomatically down played that, but in this case he gently pointed out that I don't have time to waste on yet another hateful job.

He suggested that my efforts - all my efforts - would be better served pursuing that which I love. That which I use to define myself. That which I know to be me.

I'm not going to tell you what it is. If I put it in writing I might voodoo curse it.

But you know what it is.

So I had this plan, this approach that has been shot to hell. I have been getting up early every day and yawning through the state jobs website, Monster, Indeed and PotentialFulfilled.com, and applying for jobs that leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Today I am frozen in place. I have all this garbage pending and I don't care. Super Shrink has pointed me in the right direction. I know it is the right direction because it resonates with my soul. A little voice in my head has suspected as much since I began this frenzy but it spoke too softly to cut through the deafening noise of panic, fear and anxiety.

This is a strange relationship in a way. I feel like if I don't go back next week with news of intelligent effort I will have failed a test.

This is good. It adds another layer of urgency to the quest. I have bared my soul to this guy and it has been exposed as diseased. It would seem awfully silly if I just kept talking about it rather than actually doing something about it.

Feeling damn restless today.

But I don't feel dead.

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