Friday, July 11, 2014

The Pompous And Indecisive Rich

The NFL owners had their annual meeting recently, part of which was dedicated to rules changes and proposals.

I picture this annual ego fest as an amazing and entertaining thing. These guys are mega rich, most have warped egos, I'm guessing the majority are dedicated drinkers, and I doubt any of them is even aware of the definition of the word "compromise."

I like the fact that these guys have bizarre egos and personalities. Football lends itself to that because of the life or death quality to it. Plus these guys are rich and pampered. Why shouldn't they strut on stage?

If I owned a football team you would see endless pictures of me with my flamboyant socks and cheap jewelry.

My stadium would play nothing but Allman Brothers music.

But I digress.

So these guys meet to discuss important issues.

The results reveal their priorities.

"Extend the uprights to make them five feet taller." This passed.

I am breathing a sigh of relief. I have obsessed about goal posts since I was a wee lad. Used to ask my dad "How come the goalposts have two legs? Wouldn't one column in the middle make more sense?"

My Dad typically replied "When are you going to start using your head for something else besides a hat rack?"

Later on in life I became convinced that the uprights should be five feet taller.

I feel vindicated.

"Protect players from getting the sides of their legs rolled up on." Passed. The rule previously said that blockers could not hit an opponent in the "back of the legs". The new rule added "or side."

Wow. This will extend games by 45 minutes as referees decide and coaches argue what exactly constitutes "back" and or "side." The intent is noble. The execution will be comical.

"Don't stop the clock on a sack." Passed.

I have lost sleep over this in the past. My health should improve.

"Enforce defensive fouls behind the line of scrimmage from the previous spot, rather than from the end of the run or from the spot of the foul." Passed.

I don't even understand that one.

Here's some stuff that was tabled or failed.

"Eliminate overtime in the preseason." Tabled.

Are you kidding me? Nobody wants overtime in the preseason. Not even the players. OT in preseason is like an offer from your dentist to give you an additional half hour in his chair to tinker with your teeth and gums once the primary goal has been accomplished.

Wow. That was a tortured sentence.

"Expand instant replay to include personal foul penalties." Failed.

Sounds like the NFL is trying to shift focus away from its vicious nature and the diseased mentality of some of its Ndamukongsuhplayers.

"Put six cameras on all boundary lines - side line, goal line, end line, to guarantee coverage for replay reviews." Tabled.

They couldn't make a decision on that? Are you kidding me? The Wild Turkey must have been free flowing at that point.

"Permit a home team with a retractable roof to open or close its roof at halftime, instead of having to determine at the start of the game whether it is open or closed." Tabled.

That is a controversial issue. I understand the non-decision. I also understand that the strippers had taken the stage by that point in the meeting.

OK. I won't go into all of them. I know you are bored.

These bozos should all emulate the Robert Kraft school of NFL ownership.

Except for the shirts with the different colored collars.

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