I Think I'll Risk It

Got the first session under my belt with the therapist.

I am comfortable talking to her. That is important. The only other therapist I visited did not connect with me. So I am hopeful.

Strange, though. I spent an hour telling her about my life so she could figure out where I am coming from. From childhood through today. My relationship with my parents and brother,  college, working for my dad, working as an accountant, as a bartender, "sem-retirement", menial, part-time jobs since, Carol's illnesses, my illnesses, Keith and Craig - liberally spiced with honest opinions about myself and my mistakes and regrets.

I was actually tired afterwards - it was emotionally draining. It is an odd thing to sum up your entire life in one hour to a complete stranger.

She asked inciteful questions along the way - questions that made me stop and go hmmmmmmmmm. Challenged the way I look at things, got real detailed about certain things. This is another reason I am hopeful - in the midst of detailing my woe is me life, she made me stop and think. Gently, a nudge here, a nudge there - but enough to signal to me that this may work out well.

I did 99% of the talking, she took a lot of notes. I will talk to her every Tuesday at 2:00 from now on. At least through 2525.

I am in good company now - Richard Lewis, Larry David, all the rich & famous paranoids who have spent decades talking to therapists. Perhaps we can meet, become friends, form a club. Maybe they will give me $250,000 each so I can retire.

Interesting offshoot of this initial session. I spent a solid hour talking about my life in a linear fashion, laying myself bare and reliving all the greatest hits. All at once. Afterwards I thought - am I just fucking lazy? Could it be that simple? Too fucking lazy to make the effort to change? I mean I really did sound pathetic.

Then I thought about the lethal combination of self-loathing and zero confidence. My guts churn in many situations, making me squirm, making me afraid, making me ineffectual. Indecisive. That shit is real. 

I have to overcome that shit. I think she can help me. But I am not afraid to consider laziness as a component of my failure at life.

Good start. I'll see where it leads.

What have I got to lose? An embarrassing life of failure and underachievement resulting from the influence of my powerful demons?

I think I'll risk it.